The dogs are acting strange...

"Then you tell me..."

2010-10-06T21:43:00.005-04:00

"Am I only dreaming?"

The nightmare didn't end. I didn't wake up, and the struggle with reality is only beginning. It's been a week since we said goodbye, and my stomach is still in knots.

"I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll start; Tonight it feels so hard."

I don't go to bed until you can argue that it's technically morning. And then I don't get out of bed until it's actually afternoon. Depression? I don't think so. Not specifically. Ennui? Maybe. I really don't know what I feel right now. And my new sleeping pattern is not going to coincide with my return to work.

"When you go, I'll let you be; But you're killing everything in me."

I want her back. But I know it doesn't work that way. I want to shout that it's not fair. But I know life isn't. I want to punch the wall, and fully realize all I'll end up with is a broken fist to accompany my heart. I don't know how to let go, and I'm afraid that I'm not more of a mess right now because I'm not letting go. Am I rationalizing it away as a defense mechanism? Or am I really stronger than I thought?

"I've always been afraid."

It's true. About lots of things. About taking chances. About quitting my job and striking off on my own. About losing people I love. Well, now I really know what one of those is like. But I'm going to try to learn the lesson she'd want me to learn: It will be okay.

"I feel that when I'm old; I'll look at you and know; The world was beautiful."

Over 500 lines in the guestbook were signed at Mom's wake. That doesn't include couples or families or those who didn't see the book. It's not a stretch to say there were easily over 600 people who came to pay their respects and maybe closer to 700. Some friends said they waited for over an hour to get inside. The line wrapped around the inside and the outside of the building. Some people actually saw the line from the street, went to run some errands, and came back later. (Mom would have enjoyed that.)

I'm lucky in that I don't have to wait till I'm older to appreciate the amazing woman that my mom was. The hundreds of people who came to pay their respects were proof. Not only friends and family from near and far. Her fellow teachers who all came out to say goodbye. Who helped us clean out the stuff in her classroom. Her former students and their parents. Our neighbors. Even our mailman came. The countless mass cards, letters, notes and emails. The food that seems to materialize from nowhere. The packed church. The overflowing cemetery chapel. The women at the bank who all broke down in tears when we told them that Mom passed. The amazing support from complete strangers.

"You say that love goes anywhere; In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there."

I can't begin to thank anyone who has shown us support. Our family and friends. The people who have stumbled across this blog. Woody among others--who I've never met or even spoken with aside from comments and comments about comments--who all leave me kind words and support. This is the darkest time of my life. The most painful thing I've had to face. But everywhere I turn I see love. A "thank you" doesn't cover that.

But that's all I have.

So thank you.

And Mom would thank you too. Her family was her world, and the support you have for us is support for which she would be forever grateful.

"Then you tell me..."

Here's to tomorrow.

"And the time such clumsy time, in deciding if it's time..."

2010-09-27T01:26:00.004-04:00

Mom died on Saturday night. To write those words again tears another hole in my heart. Another void in my stomach.

I'm numb. Or in shock. Or both.

She was supposed to die on Tuesday. Then Wednesday. Every day the doctor came in and told us, "Not long now." 24 hours. Tomorrow. Soon.

"We can't do a thing but wait."

The hospital room was packed. Bed with mom. Chairs surrounding with her children. My father. My aunt. Our friends. We slept contorted and twisted and draped over the bed, holding on to her hands, her feet.

"When the big hand goes round again."

For 5 days my mom lived on love and determination.

After some discussion, we left the room on several occasions to have what would pass for family dinners in the hospital cafeteria. At first we thought maybe she was waiting for us to leave before she would pass. Towards the end of the week it became evident that she wasn't waiting for anything. She just wouldn't give up.

"You can lose yourself in your courage."

I voiced that opinion Saturday morning. Mom never had any intention of stopping. She kept going until her body couldn't. To sit for 5 days and watch you mother die... I guess I don't have a right to talk about what's tough or not anymore.

The doctor and nurses told us she has a strong heart.

Yeah, no kidding. We could have told you that. As if it was some astounding diagnosis. As if it was some great revelation that could not be explained. If it wasn't for the aggressiveness of the cancer in her liver, making chemo impossible, Mom would be here right now.

(Fuck you, cancer.)

"When the time we have now ends."

I held my mom's hand as she died. I held her hand.

My mom died and it hasn't even begun to sink in. What are we going to do without her? What am I going to do?

"Can you still hear the last goodnight?"

My mom died and I held her hand as she took her last breath. I felt her hand get cold. I saw her expression change. I lost my mom.

"Close my eyes and believe where you are, an angel for me."

"May angels lead you in"

2010-09-21T13:00:00.004-04:00

I have been here a week. My mom for two. I think I speak for my family when I say we've run the gamut of emotions. We've been hopeful an scared. Happy and sad.

The same couch. The same exact spot. Except this time the pit in my stomach isn't going away. It's going to turn into a hole that cannot be filled.

"May angels lead you in."

My mom is going to die. There isn't anything else they can do for her. Unless she becomes the object of a miracle, the doctors have given her 24 hours. My mom is going to die and my heart is broken.

"I never said thank you for that..."

But I got a chance. Yesterday morning, after a very difficult and pain-filled night and before the fever and situation that would exclude my mom from anymore treatment, we had an opportunity to speak with her. Each breath was a struggle, and each exhalation was accompanied by a moan. Her eyes were squeezed shut and she was in a whole lot of pain. I asked for a moment alone with her.

When I smoothed her hair with my hand and gave her a kiss on the cheek, I told her I wanted to talk to her. She opened her eyes. Her beautiful brown eyes, now sick and yellow. I tried not to cry when I told her she was so brave and strong. How she taught me to be brave and strong. I told her I try to make her proud, and she told me, "Always." I told her I hope I don't disappoint her, and she said, "Never." I told her that I love her, and she said, "I'll always love you."

I am sure that I am unable to fully appreciate that minute-long conversation right now. But I'm confident that in the weeks and months and years that will follow, it will probably be one of the most important conversations of my life.

A little while after this, she developed a fever and started shaking and moaning uncontrollably. It took a long time before she was drained of fluid, comforted with warm blankets and soothed back to breath-moans. Then my mom sort of regained some consciousness. I remember when is now a long, long time ago, writing about having to shave my mom's head after her first round of chemo. I thought that was going to be one of the most difficult things I would ever have to do. I was wrong. I'd shave her head from now till kingdom come if it would have prevented what happened when she tried to talk.

Keep in mind, my mom has not had anything to eat or much to drink in over a week. Sure she's been able to down part of smoothie or shake here or there, but much has had to rely on the now-removed feeding tube. Her throat is sore, and her lips and mouth are perpetually dry. Not to mention all the morphine in her system, or whatever stronger pain killers and anesthesia that never left. It's hard for her to talk. Or it was.

"I'm so sorry."

Heart sinks to knees.

"I tried so hard."

Tears burst from our eyes and hers.

"I tried."

We all told her how proud we are of her. How brave she is, how strong she is. How she has nothing to apologize for. How she did wonderfully. Perfectly. How amazing she is. How she showed us to be strong and fight. This time I can't speak for the family. But a part of me died I think.

And then another part when she struggled to say, "I love you guys." Over and over and over. "I love you guys so much. I love everyone so much."

I don't know how many times she said it. And I don't know how many times each of us assured her that we know, that we would tell everyone, that we love her too.

My biggest fear now is my mom's afraid of dying. Afraid of leaving us. We are her life, and she would do anything for us. Pardon the phrase, but it kills her to know she won't physically be here for us. After all, it kills us too.

We did our best to calm here and share our love with each other, and eventually she fell asleep. Her moaning stopped and her anxious breathing slowed. We continued to talk to her for the rest of the day and through the night. After a while she stopped opening her eyes and responding. But we still talk. We still tell her we love her. That we're proud of her.

The night nurse told us her heart is strong. We could have told her that. Even today, her heart is strong. Her vitals are even pretty good. It's her liver which has given up. Her bilirubin continues to climb. Her stomach continues to fill with fluid. I still cannot believe we have to sit here and watch her die. Watch her strong heart stop beating. I don't know how I'm going to do this.

"And if you were with me tonight, I'd sing to you just one more time..."

I can't sing to save my life. But she will be with us tonight. Just one more time. I hope and pray I won't forget to tell her a thing...

"A song for a heart so big, God wouldn't let it live."

And it doesn't look like he's going to.

I don't know why I've been writing this blog. I don't know why I've been blogging about one of the most difficult and intimate parts of my life. And I still cannot believe I'm talking about my own mother...

I don't know how I'm going to get through this. But I know she taught me well. And I have to do her proud. I told her I'd always talk to her. Always count on her. I don't think she'll mind.

I love you, mom.

"Fear prejudices Courage"

2010-09-18T22:46:00.005-04:00

The oncologist did not feel it was right to begin my mom's chemo treatment yesterday. Between the general malnutrition, the feeding tube, the narcotics intolerance and PleurX drain surgery, I can't say I blame him. He wants her to build up strength over the weekend, and is looking for some of her counts to level out (calcium too high, hemoglobin too low, etc).

"Keep your fears to yourself, but share your courage with others." -Robert Louis Stevenson

I am trying my hardest to do this. I read my family the riot act before they arrived yesterday: NO crying in the room. NO negative emotion. NO arguing. NO "what ifs" that lead us down the path of the unthinkable. I held my mom's hand while she was in pain, rubbed her shoulder, stroked her hair. I did all the same things I've been doing all week and tried to show them to do the same. I told them she needs us to be strong. I need them to hold it together. They are.

"To fear is one thing. To let fear grab you by the tail and swing you around is another." - Katherine Paterson

That mistake was made a couple times this week, although the second time wasn't as bad as the first. Wednesday, when I walked out of this room nearly torn apart, I thought I was hiding it well. But it had to be written all over my face. The woman from housekeeping looked at me and asked if everything was alright. For the first time in a long time I think I answered that question with "No." And she hugged me.

"There is a time to take counsel of your fears, and there is a time to never listen to any fear." -George S. Patton

When I stop to think, I'm still in shock. How is this happening? How is this possible? It's just so unbelievable. I'm watching the nurse adjust my mom's feeding tube. Her IVs. My mom's feeding tube? Why does she have all these tubes running into and out of her? My fears did not offer any counsel that I wanted. Nothing the I will utter out loud or type on a keyboard. My fears did nothing but make my stomach sink and eat into my gut and fill my mind with terror and denial and grief. I wage war with them every minute to keep them at bay. Sometimes, somehow, I'm successful. I block them out. I am confident and strong and calm. Sometimes.

One minute, I fear what will happen tomorrow. Will she continue to get stronger? Will she stay awake longer? Will we get her out of bed? Or will a test show something else wrong? Was something that was strong begin to falter? And what of Monday? Will the oncologist change his mind? Will she not be strong enough? It's funny how those are "What ifs" disguised as guesses...

But I fight back. I told my mom that today she was so much better than yesterday. And that tomorrow will be so much better than today. When she says, "I think I'm doing better," I tell her, "You ARE doing better." When she moans, "I hope this pain will go away," I tell her, "This pain WILL go away." I try to be ever-watchful of her words and slay her doubt as fast as they tumble from her dry lips.

"I want to get better" becomes "I WILL get better."

I wonder who would be amused now to see the self-proclaimed realist, but often-accused pessimist forcing himself and others to be positive. Forcing himself to have hope and faith and courage.

I wonder who would believe that he actually feels it, because there are those times when he genuinely does.

Here I sit. In this room. Watching my mother sleep. She WILL get better. I told her she would. And I won't let her forget it.

Our next hurdle sprints to us. We need to be strong enough to overcome it. If you are reading this, pray for us. Think positive thoughts for us. Help us. We WILL do this.

"Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought"

2010-09-16T20:33:00.000-04:00

I will have more to say about this one later...

"Sometimes even to live is an act of Courage."

2010-09-15T23:05:00.003-04:00

Here we are again. The same couch. The same scene. My mom has 30 minutes left before they take the feeding tube out in preparation for tomorrow's surgery. I woke her up just long enough to ask if she wanted a last sip of water. She didn't. But she did whisper, "I love you."

This morning was a nightmare. The attending physician undid all the hope the oncologist gave us yesterday. I heard what he was saying from the moment he sat down but I refused to believe it. I would not swallow it. And for the life of me I couldn't figure out why he didn't just say it.

How many ways can you tell someone, "I'm sorry, but there is nothing more we can do" before you just have to say, "She is going to die."?

Apparently a lot.

How many times can you convince yourself you are composed enough to make a phonecall before you break down?

Apparently only once or so, and only after you broke down on the five or six previous phonecalls.

Hope ran out on me early this morning after being chased away by the doctor. Faith deflated and crouched down in the corner. Fear and Despair hugged me tightly while Anger patted me on the back.

How many strangers can hug you in one day while they watch you quietly fall apart?

More than you can count.

But then how many people tell you not to listen to one doctor? How many patients tell you he is wrong? How many caregivers tell you not to lose Hope?

Barb upstairs? She had three months to live nine months ago.

Mary from Maryland? She went to bed every night for weeks after saying goodbye to her family because she was supposed to die before morning, but the sun is still coming up.

Jimmy next door? His wife had only three months to live. Eight years ago.

Once I told a good friend of mine that there wasn't enough time in our lives to make all the mistakes ourselves. That's where that whole "learn from others' mistakes" come from, right? I learned a lesson today. There's not enough time to learn when it's okay not to listen.

I saw Courage today, but not beside me. Courage was standing next to my mother when the doctor (who I'm not listening to) came in and asked my mom, "Do you want us to make you comfortable, or do you want to proceed with the oncologist's plan?"

Courage put its hand on her forehead, because she didn't skip a beat when she announced she wanted to do what the oncologist planned. Courage smiled when she said she that's what she came here for.

I can't tell you how many times she dosed off during the day. How many times she grimaced in pain. How many times she smiled at my stupid jokes. How many times she tolerated all the "What?" or "Mom, I can't hear you," that I whispered leaned over her face, or the single "I don't know how to be strong" that stumbled from my lips.

Each of those times Courage was there. Sitting next to her. Standing at her side. Hands on her shoulders.

It's funny how sometimes we can't see something clearly until later. But now I'm looking at my mom sleeping in the hospital bed. They are coming to take the feeding tube out to get her ready for the next battle. But there is Courage.

Right where Courage needs to be.

"It is such a secret place, the land of tears."

2010-09-14T21:52:00.003-04:00

As I write this, I'm sitting in a hospital room in Philadelphia. My mom is laying in a hospital bed, wearing a cheap pair of headphones and falling asleep to a meditation CD on a Coby disc player. My headache has faded, and the pit in my stomach has been replaced with hunger pangs.

While my fingers pluck away at keys on a laptop, my mind is racing like it hasn't done in a long, long time. Depression rises and falls like a wave. With it apprehension and fear and anger. Hope and longing.

What's left of my mom's hair is a mess and still falling out on the pillow. This time more from malnourishment rather than chemotherapy. The light plays tricks with the shadows. Her skin is pulled too tight across her frame, and her port--the port that was supposed to be barely noticeable--sticks out of her chest like a cube of bone.

Rufus Wainwright's version of "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" drifts through my own headphones.

Part of me wants to run away because it doesn't know how to deal. The part of me that never knows how to deal. A part that I hate.

But I don't run away.

There is no beep from an IV drip. There is no mechanical purr of machinery to blow off CO2 from her lungs or alarm rigged up when she doesn't take a deep enough breath. It's just "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" and her breathing. Noise from the nurses drifting through the door. Fingers tapping keys. Stomach growling.

Philadelphia was her second opinion. It turns out it will also be her last chance. Our last chance. The tumor isn't any normal tumor. Why would it be? Look out your window. Do you see that tree over there? Do you see how the branches grow from the trunk, and how those branches extend and grow and have smaller branches and smaller branches growing and extending and reaching into the sky?

Take that picture of that tree with it's almost endless branches, hold it in your mind, and shrink it. Shrink it until it fits not above your liver. Not below your liver. But inside your liver. Those branches? They don't reach to the sky. They crawl along your bile ducts and strangle them closed. They don't shade you from the sun. They prevent your liver from processing toxins. And medications.

My mom is sleeping in the bed with a tube hanging out of her side draining bilirubin from her cancer-riddled liver. But remember those branches we talked about? There are too many. They drain does it's job wonderfully--it drains the bilirubin from the side of the liver it's in. But there is too much. In fact, the organ functions so poorly that fluid drains into her abdomen and her belly painfully swells.

For the second day in a row, they brought her in to drain the fluid from her stomach. It's possible there is cancer there now too, but no one has mentioned it since the possibility was brought up. In truth, until the tests come back, there is no point in worrying about the possibility.

This is the story.

The plan was to drain the liver enough to be able to place a stent or two and help it function on its own. The bilirubin would drop to a safe level. Chemo could begin. Tumor would shrink. Then localized chemo to kill it off. That was then.

Now. The tree is too strong. The stent will never work. Other problems are arising. Like her inability to eat enough to keep the rest of her body working and the fluid pooling in her abdomen. The new plan. If all goes "well." Tomorrow, a feeding tube through her nose. Thursday, a permanent drain in her abdomen. Thursday or Friday, aggressive chemo to be continued once a week for two or three weeks until her body adjusts and a regular schedule can be established.

The nurse just came in to check the drain. My mom stirred but didn't really wake up. She made a sleepy request and I changed the CD in the Coby player. I gave in and am eating half a blueberry bagel. (Blueberry bagel? Seriously?)

I look at her face and I remember wiping the tear from her eye before she went in for the procedure this morning. She cried. I had to leave the room before the doctor told me it was time to go. I couldn't look at my aunt as we walked to the waiting room. It was the only reason we held it together.

Water. All I wanted was some water. And some air. My Klean Kanteen was in the car. I cursed myself with every step there and back. "Pull it together. Pull your shit together."

Suddenly I'm still a little boy. Mothers aren't supposed to cry. They are strong. They are infallible and invincible. I'm a little boy, terrified and huddled in a stranger's body watching my sick mother dying... Is she really dying? in a hospital bed.

But I have to be positive, right? We have to be positive. Take things in stride. One step at a time. One day at a time. We hope and we pray. We put our trust in this hospital with it's cutting edge technology. With it's amazing nurses (who seriously are among the kindest people I've ever met in my life) and it's renowned doctors. With the oncologist who will treat my mom when everyone else gave up. With the surgeon who saw her smile and told us, "I need to make this woman better."

Hope and Faith. Fear and Despair. They are sitting with me on this couch keeping my company. They watch me type. They gaze into her face and look me in the eye. They wave as Regret walks by (yeah, that was from the blueberry bagel...). They will climb under the covers with me. I wonder if they'll stay the night.

My mom is snoring softly. And I wonder if I will find Courage tomorrow.

Fahrenheit 451

2010-08-03T12:13:00.004-04:00

Unlike so many students today, I didn't have the pleasure of being "required" to read this book. However, it's always been one that I've wanted to pick up. Unfortunately, that stack of books on the floor of my room never seems to get lower, and a slue of titles I want to read are curiously absent.

A couple years ago, I started to get into audiobooks. Granted, I can't seem to ever listen to one unless I'm driving. If I'm walking, my mind wanders (although I have mastered the walk-and-read-a-book-while-listening-to-my-iPod routine). If I'm painting, hours slip away and I find I haven't a clue as to what just happened in the book. Either way, while I drive, sure my mind wanders a bit but it's easier to focus on the book. Even when I miss a few sentences (or a chapter) I can usually pull it back together.

Granted, some are much more enjoyable to listen to than others. Some readers are engaging and have the type of voice you can listen to for hours (which is a good thing when a book can be 8-18 hours long). I figured this would be a good way to dive into some of these books I want to read but can't seem to find the time to open them.

Fahrenheit 451 is what I'm currently listening to. I will probably go back and actually read this title one day, because right now I find it so engaging. It's uncomfortable to recognize that such a dystopian future can be realized in such small steps until one hardly realized it's happened.

I'm only about halfway through, but so far this paragraph sticks out to me. I'm drawn to the last line at the end too, for more than one reason.

The books are to remind us what asses and fools we are. They're Caesar's praetorian guard, whispering as the parade roars down the avenue, 'Remember, Caesar, thou art mortal.' Most of us can't rush around, talk to everyone, know all the cities of the world, we haven't time, money or that many friends. The things you're looking for, Montag, are in the world, but the only way the average chap will ever see ninety-nine per cent of them is in a book. Don't ask for guarantees. And don't look to be saved in any one thing, person, machine, or library. Do your own bit of saving, and if you drown, at least die knowing you were headed for shore.

I'm thinking that is probably overall good advice for lots of things.

As for the nerves...

2010-07-21T22:50:00.003-04:00

1. Chemo isn't working. Again. "Minor progression of tumors." But it didn't spread beyond the liver. On to chemo #4. But this one "shouldn't be too bad." Guess that port they put into her chest was a good thing after all... (The last chemo caused chemical burning in her veins.)

2. I got a call from HR today... (yeah, so actually more nerves, but some excitement too!)

3. Haha, I just don't even know.

Thanks for the positive thoughts.

Nerves.

2010-07-20T11:36:00.002-04:00

Things that have tied my stomach into knots:

1. Waiting for the results of my mom's tests.

2. Waiting to see if I score an interview for a job that will set me on a new path down a familiar road.

3. Sigh.

Anticipation is distraction.

Now I just have to get better at not anticipating.

Wait, you just saw me naked?

2010-07-09T21:26:00.002-04:00

On my way home from SC, I had the...opportunity...to pass through an airport x-ray machine for the first time. I've known about these for a while, yet even though I fly two or three times a year, I haven't before had the pleasure.

It was sort of weird. Not the standing there with feet shoulder width apart, arms raised, bent at the elbows, hands behind my head. And obviously the x-ray itself doesn't feel like anything. But those signs that assure you that someone far, far away is viewing my somewhat nude picture. Oh, and they promise they don't keep them.

Now, I'm not flattering myself in the least and assuming someone would want to keep my picture(s?). In fact, it's probably more reasonable that there would be pointing and giggling. (Hahah, like those dreams where you are naked in class or giving a speech.)

It's not really a big deal. But I dunno, does this really make us "safer?"

I remember back in college while flying home with friends, the only girl of the group was pulled aside for special screening. By a TSA dude. Now, it wasn't a pat down or anything. He used the wand or whatever. But still. She was between me and another friend and was pulled aside. I won't pretend to know what makes one suspicious. Or if they are supposed to count to a certain number of people. But since these people protecting us are just that--people--I have to wonder about it.

The trip was absolutely awesome, by the way. So I guess my nudie x-ray was a small price to pay.

Gallery!

2010-06-21T22:21:00.002-04:00

And in non-Relay related news...

The gallery opening for the show I made it into is Thursday. Even though it's only one painting in a multi-man-and-woman show, it's still pretty cool. And openings are always kinda fun.

And I've been tightening up some work for a one-man exhibit next month! It's small, and at a public library, but in a pretty affluent town. Who knows? There will be some music, courtesy of a flutist friend and her violinist companion. I haven't decided between fake wine and cheese or cookies and juice. (Okay, who am I kidding. It's going to be fake wine and cheese. Unless I receive a mysterious shipment of cookies from the Mid-west. Hahah!)

I also sent submitted some work to the authors/artists in charge of this Children's Lit Conference later in the year. Only have to wait till August to hear if I made it in!

Maybe things are starting to turn around?

Awesome.

2010-06-21T22:09:00.002-04:00

Last weekend, we held the most successful Relay For Life event the city has ever seen. Over 500 people attended (most between Kick-off and the Luminaria Ceremony) and we raised over $78,000.00 and counting. The weather was beautiful for us!! No rain for the first time in years. We held an entire event, not to mention our first Fight Back Ceremony. In all it was amazing.

I'm actually allowing myself to feel a little satisfied! Chairing this event is always a little challenging, and leading up to the finish line things were getting nerve wracking. We had almost 400 people signed up on the website prior to the event, so we knew it was going to be big. Speaking in front of that many people is always a little embarrassing! And there's only so much making fun of oneself and muddling through that can be done. But it went over pretty well.

And my mom! Best survivor speaker ever. Of course I'm a little biased. And of course, my committee sort of coaxed her into it. But she did great. I barely choked up introducing her. And she didn't skip a beat till the end. Since a majority of my family participated in or helped run the event this year, it meant all the more.

But now I find myself at a crossroads. I have been looking to step down as Event Chair. However, as long as I'm where I am (location, job, etc), I can't imagine not being a part of Relay. I'd at least be a Team Captain. Attend the event. Walk the laps instead of running back and forth across the stadium for 20 hours.

So much of my time and energy has been spent trying to build this event up to what it's become today. I won't pretend that I'm the reason it's successful, and I know it will go on without me. I'm trying to figure out if I should step back and groom a replacement. Chair from the side. Or vice-chair. I don't want to see it fail.

On the other hand, this would be the perfect year to step back. We beat our city-wide goal of $57K (by $20,000.00!!!). My team raised over $12,000. And we were the second highest fundraiser! Our top team brought in over $20,000.00! Aside from the other event-wide successes, I surpassed my personal goal of $2,500.00.

I might actually let some pride sneak up on me this year.

Alas. That doesn't help me make a decision. And we all know how good I am at making decisions.

I guess we'll see what happens...

Where did the fun go?

2010-06-08T22:29:00.001-04:00

Awesome weekends go way too fast...

The Captain.

2010-06-02T22:27:00.006-04:00

Last month's test results were a mixed bag... No, the cancer didn't spread (awesome!). But, the chemo isn't working and it's still there (wtf?).

On to another chemo... Another drug... Another slew of side effects. 5 hour chemo sessions. Self-administered injections.

It's frustrating.

So what do we do? "Face forward, move slow, forge ahead."

Relay For Life barreling across the squares on the calendar, refusing to slow down. It's become this pretty massive thing this year, which is amazing. There are 10 days until our event, and we've already surpassed our goal of $57,000.00 (I only have $373 left to reach my own goal!!). At almost $60,000.00 raised to date, with one person shy of 300 registered, this event has become bigger than the previous 5 in this city. This is going to be the biggest year we've had. It's sort of scary and kind of thrilling.

I don't know how I fell into this role of leadership. It doesn't seem right. It doesn't quite seem like I know what I'm doing. But no one seems to notice... Am I just pretending? Or am I really being a leader?

"Courageous, just like the captain."

The past few days I've been overwhelmed with a few things... (Haha, okay, sort of like "I'm frozen, tied up, cast in lead.") I want to run away! But I can't.

I can, however, put all of this on hold for a few days to totally immerse myself in a most wonderful wedding weekend for two people I could not be more happy for. A couple days of fun to supercharge the batteries... (And give a best man speech!)

"It's simple, so says the captain."

Monday it'll all be there to great me again. But you know what? I'm going to make this start working for me. I'm tired of the frustration. The uncertainty. I might not be able to do anything more for my mom than what I'm already doing. I can't control the weather for this Relay event. I might have absolutely no clue what to do with my own life. My responsibilities aren't endless. "My conscience, mistrust and regret" will still be there for sure.

But it's time to be more like the captain.

"Marching forward, with no doubt in his head."

Moth's Wings (cont.)... It's in my head!

2010-04-29T23:23:00.005-04:00

I pretty much don't know anything about music. I can only sing to babies and dogs. (I was in chorus back in 4th grade.) I don't know what the hell all those symbols mean on a sheet of music. (I used to play the trumpet! And I foolishly let myself be talked into buying a guitar, and have been unable to tune it or decipher the poster with the chords?... notes?...) I can't tell you which band sings what song--if I could even name the band or better yet an actual song title.

But I like music! Haha. And I love listening to new stuff. The problem I run into is I can't tell if I like it at first or not. Rarely will a song hit me the first time I listen to it, although it happens. A coworker excitedly shared "Runaway" by Love and Theft, claiming it made her think of me. I was skeptical at first, but wow. Haha. I pretty much went home and downloaded the acoustic version (okay, I know that I have a huge, huge preference for an acoustic version of a song, pretty much across the board).

That was a rare case though. Usually, a new album or CD takes me a good 4 or 5 listens before the songs start to separate from each other. I'll suddenly notice that Track 5 has an intro I really like and Track 11 has a lyric that seems to literally stop the song and whisper into my ear. Then after a few more listens, I know I've really got a song. At first it's just a lyric or two that stands out (Whose side are you on?/What side is this anyway?). And then, maybe it gets so into my head that I listen to it too much and bam.

So now "Moth's Wings" by Passion Pit has fixed itself into my head. I usually try not to skip through songs when I'm driving. But when I hear:

"Dear friend, as you know..."

I get excited.

It's like a conversation. I think maybe that's why I like it. It's not someone belting out how much he loves someone, or misses someone, or how great things are, or how bad they are. Sure there's emotion to it, and strong ones at that (But the clouds are clearing up/and I've come rebelling/burning incandescently/like a bastard on the burning sea). But it's different.

I just keep coming back to this conversation idea. Things are "wrong" with the situation (You're pressing on your laurels/and stepping on my toes). There's "conflict" (You come beating like moth's wings/spastic and violently/whipping me into a storm/shaking me down to the core). Then there's the question--my "first" lyric!! (Whose side are you on?/What side is this anyway?).

And then another part that I love about this song. There's a resolution offered (Put down your sword and crown/Come lay with me on the ground).

It's a song to make amends. A song to mend fences or build bridges. A song to renew relationships, or ya know what? Even end them. But on good terms I think. It's like a book that has one of those endings where the reader decides what happens. You don't know if the friend accepts the offer or not. Even if you've decided on the relationship--friends, lovers, siblings, whatever--it's just out there. That possibility, that offer. After the singer and friend are on the same level, after laying down on the ground, what happens? Friends again? Kiss and make up? Business as usual and pretend the conversation never happened? Turn around and walk away?

Hm. I spent way too much time writing this post. I take solace in the fact that you didn't have to sit there and read it. ;)

"Tests at the end of April"

2010-04-20T23:05:00.002-04:00

That came sort of fast...

Monday: CT and PET scans
Wednesday: MRIs
Friday: Bone scan

Relay For Life

2010-04-12T22:43:00.002-04:00

With two months left until our event, things are starting to get interesting. We're leaps and bounds above where we were at this point last year. Granted, our event was a month earlier last year. But that's still a good sign, right?

22 teams, 127 participants signed up so far (and almost one new registrant every day!). About a hundred dollars shy of raising $28,000.00 so far!

Our RedHat Angels team is completely dominating the fundraising--over $12,000.00 and they still have big fundraisers planned! It's amazing. They are unstoppable! Haha, at least I know I can't catch them. I'm keeping my team's $10,000.00 goal in sight, and we've got about 2 months to raise the last $2,000.00 or so.

Even more important than that, I want our event to be successful--I want us to hit our goals. Last year we were one of the only Relays in the region to come close to making goal. ($53,000 raised out of a $55,000 goal... so close!!) Somehow we were a success story. It was pretty cool.

This year, the ACS set our goal at $57,000. Not too much more than last year. But that's such a big number. And it's difficult to get people involved, or even to get those who are already involved to raise money. I want us to make goal this year. (Besides, the theme is superheroes... It's like a Relay geek's dream!)

I've been thinking a lot about this Relay For Life event. I'm so happy to have been a part of it for so long. Of course, I never feel like I do a good enough job running it. And that's not even taking into account the weather that I can't control. But either way, for 5 years this has been a big part of what I do with my time. And I've been in charge for 3 of those years. It might be time to step aside.

I'm not talking about walking away, per se. But I think it's time for someone else to take the reins. New blood, new ideas, new leadership. A volunteer event like this shouldn't be run by the same person or people for years at a time. Someone needs to step up!

Having a team and participating in the event are still important to me. I actually wonder what it would be like to attend the Relay and not have to run around making sure everything is progressing smoothly. To actually attend a Relay with my family and friends... Walk the track... Sit down when I want to! Haha. How different that would be?

It's been a great experience. And I'm not necessarily sold on "retirement." But it might be time. And perhaps a new opportunity will present itself.

Plus, it would be sort of fun to go out on top, giving this city the best Relay it's ever seen. I might even allow that sense of accomplishment sneak up on me.

Here's to a $57,000.00 quest!

Moth's Wings

2010-03-29T19:52:00.001-04:00

Whose side are you on?
What side is this anyway?

Value

2010-03-29T12:21:00.004-04:00

I'm submitting a painting I finished to a local gallery for a chance to be in an upcoming show. I figured I'd sell it (if, of course, it gets selected for entry), but have absolutely no idea what to set the price as.

That's one thing I don't like about being an artist. And there are so many opinions on how to price work that there doesn't really seem to be any standard. I'm almost better at accepting a commission where the client says, "I have this much money to spend, can you do it?"

Then I can just say yes or no!

So, an original oil painting, 24"x30"... Gallery would keep 20%... Hmmmm.

Luckily I have a few days to play with some numbers.

"You may be staring at the end of cancer."

2010-03-24T23:20:00.001-04:00

I will let the article speak for itself: This Is the Future of the Fight Against Cancer - Nanobots - Gizmodo

That itch to fly...

2010-03-17T16:59:00.001-04:00

I want to run away.

But don't really have anywhere to go.

GPSing my way out of a paper bag. And irony!

2010-03-08T22:17:00.002-05:00

It's not really a big secret that I'm hopeless when it comes to directions. It took me long enough, but I finally bought a GPS yesterday. One would think now I'd be all excited to hit the road without a care in the world!

That one is probably wrong. ;)

Of course, when I "get the itch to fly" and I, well, fly, it could come in handy.

Here's the irony! (Or maybe just humor?) I ordered a GPS from Amazon. I must have looked at 10 or 15 different brands and models. I settled on a Garmin Nuvi 265 over the Garmin Nuvi 765 And guess what there deal of the day at Amazon is today! A Garmin Nuvi 765!! Hahaha.

Refreshing to see I still got it.

A blog a day?

2010-03-05T01:28:00.000-05:00

Probably not! But maybe I'll try.

Arrrrr(t) Pt IV

2010-03-05T01:25:00.002-05:00

And this is an older piece, but is a direct influence of something I'm tinkering with now.

Arrrrr(t) Pt III

2010-03-05T01:23:00.002-05:00

This is one in a series of 4 I did for work to promote American Classics. It's probably hard to tell, but the entire piece is made up of brushstrokes with the words in the phrase "Call me Ismael." (Obviously digital.)

Arrrrr(t) Pt II

2010-03-05T01:22:00.003-05:00

And here's an oil that isn't quite 100% finished yet, but allllmost there.

Arrrrr(t) Pt. I

2010-03-05T00:58:00.004-05:00

Not doing too good with the blogging lately! I received some nice encouragement about my work today from several people. Reminded me how a few people have asked to see some of my stuff...

And I just spend a few hours painting what might turn out to be an utter failure of a submission for the end of the month.

(I still love it.)

But I digress. This is a painting I did during my "Hmm, let's get back into acrylic" step a little while ago. You can sort of forget how quick it dries. Fingers were used in the making of this piece.

Baby baby baby

2010-02-13T16:25:00.002-05:00

There's no doubt that the brand new little niece has been a huge blessing in our family. Aside from the fact that she is the most adorable thing I've laid eyes on, she provides so much positive for us to dwell on. Our little 7 lb slugger is pushing back a lot of the worries and fears. Not to mention being a grandma is my mom's newest favorite pastime. (Screw you, cancer.)

It's surprising to me how long I can hold her, or sit there and stare at her even when she's sleeping. I'm amazed by her. (I also take great pride in the fact that I'm usually able to get her to stop crying! Although, I have yet to change a diaper solo.) She makes me laugh hysterically. I don't know how long it takes for babies to develop to the point where they recognize faces or voices or anything. But I talk to her, and sometimes she looks at me.

She also smiles for me. Most awesome thing ever. (Okay, it's probably gas, but let uncle have this little thing.)

I can't wait till we laugh together...

It's away!

2010-02-11T22:03:00.001-05:00

Blizzards be damn'd, the portfolio and application are away!

I should celebrate, haha.

HUB-BUB

2010-02-07T18:19:00.002-05:00

As I mentioned before, I kicked my butt and dove back into painting. Some of my ventures have been pretty cool and some not so much. I've been staying up pretty late and dragging myself out of bed to go to work in the morning. On the one hand it's been invigorating while on the other I haven't had nights like these in a long time.

Fun. =)

So my renewed efforts are actually two-fold. I'm an artist. Making art makes me happy. It's something I need to do. You see the logical conclusion (and the inevitable question: Well then, what the "f" has been your problem?").

The second reason is a bit more specific. There is this amazing job opportunity for an Artist-in-Residence position that I want. I actually really want it. There, I said that too. I want this job.

While going through pieces to include in the portfolio to send, I was talking to good friend who encouraged me to do some more paintings. She was of the opinion to forget about the marketability of the work, and just do it: Make something.

And it's been fun. And now I have 2 (maybe 3?) new pieces that I can include in this portfolio that I'll be sending out this week. It's exciting, and almost feels like applying to art school all over again.

I'm thrilled at the thought of working in a gallery for 11 months. To work with the community in a creative aspect. To create and play with creative people. It's like a dream!

Now, I don't know what kind of talent I'm up against. There are scads of amazing artists out there. I've been trying to keep that in perspective. I want to take this wave to its highest crest and see how long I can ride it. If things don't work out with this one for me, I hope that it sets me on a new path.

To Woody et al

2010-02-07T18:12:00.003-05:00

Woody and gang:

Thanks for all the prayers and well wishes. I'm still surprised at the outpouring of support from just a line or two in someone's blog. It means a lot to me (and my family too!).

I apologize for not stopping by your blogs individually and offering thanks. I've been blog procrastinating for a while, and since I've been throwing myself back into painting, I haven't been spending as much time on the computer.

Things are going well so far on this end. The oncologist remains positive that the new treatment will work. We just have to wait and see what the next round of tests shows.

Here's to thinking positive, and to some new "blog" friends.

Thanks all,
m.

Surprises... pleasant ones

2010-01-27T01:24:00.003-05:00

During the past few days, I've received a couple comments from complete strangers expressing support and well wishes for my mom and my family's current situation. It's been really very awesome.

I obviously don't have many blog "followers," and at times I'm not really sure who's even checking it out. It just sort of made my day. Twice. So thank you, both.

And for a quick update: They changed the chemo. I'll have to find the name of the drug again. But this one's actually an oral medication, which is sort of cool. She still has to go to the hospital every other week for this other drug, Avastin, which is supposed to inhibit the growth of cancer cells. Side effects with this new chemo are supposed to be more mild, with dry skin and blistering the worst of it.

So there we are.

And here we go.

Happy New Year

2010-01-12T18:15:00.002-05:00

The chemo stopped working.

Last cancer post of the year

2009-12-29T22:44:00.003-05:00

My mom's scans and tests are next week. Friday I do believe. Results should be in by Tuesday when she goes in for chemo.

I will admit when I stop to think about it I feel sort of nauseous [so I'm not really stopping to think about it too much]. This should determine if the cancer is "gone," when she can stop chemo, etc.

The side-effects are getting worse. While the hair on top of her head has started growing back, her taste is shot to shit again. Since the chemo attacks fast-growing cells like hair, nail and tastebud cells, these things are usually effected the worst. That's why people lose their hair. And their appetites. And lose their finger nails.

She hasn't lost her nails yet, but it's not looking good...

So 2010, let's get this straight now. ENOUGH with the cancer already.

Prayers and crossed fingers would be appreciated.

The whirlwind

2009-12-29T21:57:00.003-05:00

Christmas has always been one of my favorite times of the year. I'm not really sure what it is--the atmosphere, the snap of the cold air that I don't totally mind just yet, the food--but it's always been pretty cool. Even in college, I spent time filling stockings for friends, playing Christmas music and having an awesome few days before flying home (where I'd usually have an awesome 3 weeks of hanging out not really doing anything, eating home-cooked meals and seeing family).

This year seemed to be extra-packed with craziness. My niece came 5 weeks early in the beginning of the week. I think we're all still in shock. Christmas Eve was full of Santa riding past the house on the firetruck (normal), the mother and [beastly] daughter next door having a fistfight with the grandmother trying to break them up (yay trashy neighbors!), Rocket (ha, I didn't make up that nickname, but he's a cool guy) completely trashed, singing and hanging all over everyone outside when we went out to stop the fight, and two white horses riding down the street pulling a sleigh with carolers (not normal).

Our cousins from SC came up, and we were lucky enough to spend 2 days with them. Always great times and the best laughs.

Tomorrow, I think I'll get to see baby for the 1st time!!!

And there's that pesky OBNJ poster that I'm supposed to finish, not to mention the freelance gig that isn't getting done.

Plus New Year! I'm happy I got a few different invites this year. Not really sure which to accept, and just realized now that I only have about 36 hours to figure it out (Yay decisions!).

I'm thinking of sticking around for baby's first New Year, though aside from sleeping and pooping I don't think she'll be doing anything much.

I don't have to go back to the big house till the 4th and I'm already dreading it! It's going to fast, and dare I say it, I'm having too much fun...

ZZzzzzZZzzZZzzzz....

2009-12-16T20:26:00.000-05:00

I love when Maggie snores.

Praying for...?

2009-12-09T12:10:00.004-05:00

Last night before going to sleep, I actually prayed. As per my small crisis of faith, this is something I rarely do. But sometimes you just need to talk to someone, and options were few. [Besides, I ultimately believe in God--the all-loving one--and even though I might seem like a petulant child, there's a piece of me like still believes he listens.]

I prayed for my mom mostly, and I asked Him not to let her down.

I also prayed a bit for myself. For some guidance, for a sign. You know, all that kinda stuff that never really happens. Or that I over think and analyze away.

Well, I said my prayers, ending with the plea for a sign, for finding my way.

And what do I dream about?

Zombies.

That's right. Not "school" or "family" or "art" or even a frickin' library. Zombies.

So either:
1.) There will be some sort of zombie situation/outbreak/apocalypse and God is trying to warn me.

or

2.) He had a pretty nice laugh at my expense. [I'm actually okay with this, believe it or not.]

If there are zombies in the future, I apologize in advance for not warning you.

A list...

2009-12-08T17:53:00.002-05:00

2010 needs to include either:
1. A trip to Hawaii (or a move..... think? maybe? perhaps?...)
2. A stamp in my passport.
3. 3-5 day stay in a beach area on the west coast of something that will afford me kick-ass sunsets.

Random happenings

2009-12-08T17:37:00.002-05:00

A few weeks ago while we were closing up at work, I took the trek over to secure the computer room. That pretty much consists of shutting down computers. It's thrilling. But on this particular day, there happened to be a Word document open. Earlier in the evening, I had been trying to help a student print out college essay, so I thought perhaps it was a simple case of said student getting the print and bailing before closing out.

So I started to read it. And it was totally not a college essay. Instead, I blundered into a letter this guy wrote to a girl. Apparently they had been friends for years, and he's loved her for pretty much that whole time. It was a confession, a plea, a total opening up of himself. I felt awfully guilty but part of me couldn't stop reading it.

Of course, because this is just the way things go for me, the guy walked in when I was about halfway through. I'm not sure who was more embarrassed, though I do admit relief that he didn't decide to take anything out on me. He pretty much said what I had gathered: He fell in love, didn't think she knew and wanted to tell her, and this was the only way he was comfortable enough to do it.

I helped him print the letter out while he nervously made some small talk, and before he left I wished him the best. Chances are I'll never see the guy again. Or, if he's come in since, he himself didn't make any lasting impression and I haven't noticed. Sometimes though, when the thought crosses my mind, I like to think it worked out for them.

It reminds me of a quote by T.H. White though, which would lead to another conclusion:

"Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically--to those who hardly think about us in return."

In Your Eyes

2009-12-08T15:28:00.003-05:00

It's no secret that I really enjoy simple tunes. There's just something about a guitar or a piano or whatever, even if it's not necessarily accompanied by a voice, that I love. Acoustic versions of songs are beginning to be my favorites by far.

Along those lines, I stumbled into a good one over the weekend. I've really liked the song, "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel ever since my sister's wedding when it was played during a little show of pics from my sister and brother-in-law growing up and some shots of our families, both living and passed. [Haha, probably cliche, but it was awesome nevertheless.] What I came across was a cover version performed by Sara Bareilles. She's one of the artist's who had a song featured in a Mac/Apple/iPod commercial... "Love Song" maybe? Either way, her version of "In Your Eyes" is, yes, awesome.

Check it out on YouTube here.

Gotta keep runnin'...

2009-12-01T22:07:00.002-05:00

I just finished registering for the 2010 [wow] Relay For Life. The town's goal this year is $57,000.00, and if we pull together and keep on the same track we were on last year, we should have no problem at all kicking the crap out of that goal. Earlier today, we had 6 teams signed up and over $3,000 raised. That's pretty cool considering the event is in June!

So, not sure how much stock I put in numerology, but 7 popped up a lot with Relay tonight. I registered the 7th team for the event. I'm the 28th participant, and I do believe multiples of 7 count. (Hahaha, I can't believe 27 people beat me to it this year! Last year I was the only one signed up for weeks.) After adding the Halloween Bake Sale money and the leftover t-shirt money and straggling donations from '09, my team has raised $727.00. The total amount of the top 5 teams adds up to $3,777...

I'm allowing this to be a positive sign!

I put some feelers out for an Online Chair to replace me. Have a meeting with the Nets coming up to do a walkthrough of their home court [which will be the location of our Kick-Off in January]. Committee meeting tomorrow. Holiday Bake Sale in a couple weeks... I think I have 3 teams in a strong competition to strike for $10,000 goals--us included!

Here's to a fight, just one among many. Here's to a step along a journey, and an opportunity to try and make a little bit of a difference.

Boo.

2009-11-24T15:47:00.000-05:00

Today sucks.

And my sarcasm is flaring up. I wonder if there's a treatment for that.

Gone.

2009-11-23T19:46:00.003-05:00

The cover of Wired's 17.09 issue caught my eye as I was doing the mail the other day. The cover image went along with one of the featured articles entitled, "Gone."

That, along with the image, caught my attention long enough for me to delve into the article (and you can actually read it online). As it turns out, the journalist had done a story earlier in the year about people faking their deaths, the digital age, etc. He took it upon himself to see if he could disappear for a while. Wired set up this contest, and people across the country dove into it, setting up Twitter accounts, Facebook pages, chat room and all to try and come together to find him.

The dude went all out. [I'll make you read the article to see if he they found him before the contest was over.] It's amazing though, how much information you can gather about someone.

I found it fascinating. The whole idea appeals to the part of me that wants to just disappear. Of course, if I did, I don't know that there would be whole chat rooms and Facebook pages dedicated to finding me. Regardless, I'm not as savvy as he was, so I'd probably make some stupid mistakes and get found out.

Haha, that's not to say I would ever actually try to figure out how to do it. But I dunno... If I had the option to disappear and start over completely somewhere, would I take it? Would you?

"Are we dancing...?"

2009-11-13T13:13:00.004-05:00

It was almost 2 weeks ago now that I visited my old home, flitted about the old stomping grounds and soaked in the absolute beauty of the beach. My vacation was blissful to say the least, but the two days I spent in Sarasota were also a bit taxing. Not the catching up with friends, the laughter that comes so easily or the beach. But the whole mind trip that accompanied some of the quieter moments. The flood of memories that exploded, the inundation of feelings I had all but forgotten.

The first time it hit me was stepping foot on campus. It would be foolish of me to think things shouldn't be changing, expanding, growing. But wow. That's all I can really say. I can't really describe the full impact. It's something that you'd have to experience, and even then I might just be a little too sensitive. Haha.

"Our" buildings are gone. There are new dorms and studios. In fact, the state-of-the art, blah blah blah, professional as all get out studios are breathtaking. I would be lying if I didn't admit a small amount of jealousy for not being able to use them when we were there.

6 years. Has it really been that long? Can so much really change?

The visual upgrades were one thing, but like I said, those tides of emotion weren't wholly expected. It was like every step I took was a brushstroke that painted memories.

That taste of freedom, of being on my own... The terror and excitement of moving away from home... Depending on Beastie more than I should have, losing her for a few months, then finding her again and forming a bond that will last forever... The complete obnoxious fun we had in the cafeteria [much to the dismay--and dare I say jealousy?--of our peers]... That sense of purpose and accomplishment when I finished a piece, or that sense of failure when it sucked really bad... Football on the beach [especially that time I collided with 'Chusetts and we thought we had killed each other]... My first naked person... Laughing so hard whenever we were together that it hurt... Walking octopuses... The smell of the oil paint... Almost slipping and telling her I loved her [which would have been bad]... The Great Easter Sleep Off... Zombies and video games galore with the Brains of the project... All that rice I ate 2nd year because I was too lazy to make anything else... Running through campus in the pouring rain... Cheese baskets... Vermont sneezing on our walks home from work [swearing it was the light bouncing off the white walls. Except when it rained, which gave him a really good idea for a tshirt]... Conversations in Super's bathroom while she soaked in the tub... Ooops... Being betrayed, loving and being loved, finding people who I thought would be there forever but who have changed or moved on or slipped away...

I could actually go on and on and on, but I don't know how interesting it would be to anyone. I feel like a lonely old man reminiscing to the youngsters. Haha. Aren't you lucky, youngsters?

There are over 1200 pictures downstairs sitting in a box that I need to go through. If there was that much that exploded through me from being there for 24 hours, I can't imagine what looking through 4 years worth of photographs is going to do to me. But I think it has to be done.

A trip to the beach is also necessary. But next time, more friends [new and old] need to be there. Start saving pennies kids.

Hmm...

2009-10-31T13:38:00.001-04:00

I have this crazy little notion that this journey is going to help some things fall into place.

Hope I'm right.

Shiza.

2009-10-26T21:40:00.003-04:00

Pretty bummed out that my cheddar cheese tidbits from the Vermont Country Store are almost gone! Love affair with cheese aside, those tidbits have saved me from having to shell out tons of money for blocks of the delicious stuff. Little baggie chock-full-o' cheese cubes. Geeeez. If you are ever in VT, and find yourself within spittin' distance of a Vermont Country Store, you NEED to get those tidbits.

Not to mention that now I'm thinking of Buffalo Bleu Cheese dip... Pick up one of those too. You can even split the cost with a friend! And then make that friend keep it at her home so you aren't tempted to eat the entire thing by yourself.

Food, food, food... what a wonderful thing.

[In case my favorite buffalo chicken dip making person reads this, I am actually at this very moment tasting it in my mouth. It's just a ghost of a taste, a whisper of buffalo-chickeny-cheesy goodness. Sure, buffalo bleu cheese dip is good and takes the edge off, but it doesn't hold a candle to the real stuff...]

Haha, I'm hungry.

Pre-wrap

2009-10-26T21:29:00.004-04:00

This is what he looked like before he took that fatal step. As you can tell, he was pretty scared from the beginning.

Of course, he did have a knife sticking out the top of his head...

Pumpkin

2009-10-26T21:16:00.004-04:00

I sort of always liked Halloween. Some years it's more fun than others, and some years I get more involved than others. But I think it's the combination of the season mixed with the potential for good times with friends, and the ever-important creative element intertwined.

['Course, I won't get into how I don't have a costume for the party I'm supposed to go to on Saturday, but that's okay. How 'bout a Bayside Tigers t? Haha. Yeeeeah.]

Pumpkin carving has become a fun little Halloween activity for me. Especially after looking through Extreme Pumpkins and its successor. Last year I made a "Carrie Pumpkin", complete with tiara, tears and blood flow. This year, a couple more people jumped in on the action and we adapted the "Drowning in a Bag Pumpkin" to "Suffocated Pumpkin." My excitement bubbled over [even though most of the people I texted didn't seem to share my enthusiasm.]

But here he is:

Of course, not to be outdone by:

Clone Trooper Pumpkin!

Oops...

2009-10-24T15:04:00.001-04:00

Know how I keep going on about how indecisive I am?

Stumbled across this today:

When you have to make a choice and don't make it, that is in itself a choice. ~William James

Guess, at least in that opinion, I'm already on the road to recovery...

GoodShopp'in

2009-10-20T22:54:00.005-04:00

A few months ago, I blogged a bit about GoodSearch, and sort of suggested that you use it for online searches in order to do some good without actually having to DO anything. During a conversation in a pretty sick Scottish pub in a quaint little Vermont town amongst some of the coolest kids this side of the Mississippi, I mentioned GoodSearch again, and how I have actually been using GoodShop a whole lot this year as well. There was brief discussion that perhaps I had not really talked about GoodShop, and I guess I hadn't when compared to it's predecessor.

So, my dear 6-8 readers, here is my plug for GoodShop!

A quick look at the "Amount Raised" link for my ARF [Amyloidosis Research Foundation] searches will show that my actual searching has declined this year. [Granted, I am mostly operating under the possibly erroneous assumption that I am the only person Good-something-ing for ARF. I might be the biggest contributor, but there's got to be a few others, right?] As of the moment, there have been 2,412 searches in 2009. I am still a huge nerd, and am guilty of looking up a variety of dorky things. But I guess I don't spend as much time sitting in front of a computer screen bored out of my mind. Wicked!

But!!

If you were to take a look at 2007, you'd see ARF raised $2.41. In 2008, $39.51 were raised. In 2009... $74.70! Where did that extra $50+ dollars come from, you ask? From online shopping through GoodShop, I'd answer. I find shopping online to be pretty convenient, especially as I find myself shunning crowded, public-filled places in my free time. [Working with the public can do that to you sometimes.] And it just so happens practically all the places I shop, like Amazon, Old Navy and Apple, are all hooked up with the service. Each month, I tried to make a purchase, however small, through one of the merchants through the GoodShop site. A percentage of each of those purchases is donated by the merchant to the cause. While the donations are usually somewhere between 1%-3%, it's way better than nothing. And looks so much nicer than the penny per search.

Granted, I made a couple of hefty purchases this year [read: TV and the oh, so wonderful MacBook that I'm typing away on right this very minute]. But I'm a strong believer in the idea that every little bit helps. A penny might be a penny. And I wouldn't bet on that 1% chance. But when you put all those pennies together... When you add up all those 1% chances... I have to believe it equals a good thing. [Haha, besides, 1% of $3,000.00 is a hot 30 bucks! Please, don't tell my credit card statement...]

As you've gathered from my posts, I really try to support my friends in their fundraising endeavors. While my biggest commitment remains Relay, and while most of my donations go to support that, I have come to look on ARF as my other cause. [Having friends who are basically family threatened by something you can't seem to fight will do that to you.]

Unfortunately, I'm not wealthy and as much as I want to, I can't support everything. I wanted badly to donate more than the registration fee at the Search on Saturday, and even the extra check I got from my parents didn't seem enough. What makes me feel a little better though, is that a huge chunk of that $74.70 for ARF came from my support.

I set a goal earlier in the year to raise over $100 for ARF through the GoodSearch/GoodShop sites. I know that amount seems so small compared to the dollars raised in other places. But I think it's amazing that any amount can be donated by simple acts of searching, or buying through a link which pretty much requires just one or two extra clicks.

If you're feeling adventurous or supportive, I encourage you to use these websites. You can support almost any cause. If by some chance you actually can't find an organization you support on these sites, you can actually start one of your own. Or, if you don't know who to support, I'd ask for the next 2 1/2 months to toss "ARF" into that charity selection, click the second option [Amyloidsosis Research Fund], and GoodSearch and GoodShop the junk out of it. And maybe together we can raise that $100 by doing nothing more than using our clicking fingers.

Okay, those and maybe our credit cards. But face it, you were going to use those anyway.

...And done

2009-10-18T18:02:00.002-04:00

This weekend was pretty exhausting. I am so glad we were able to be part of these fundraisers though. Vermont, as always, is beautiful. Can never really get used to how many stars there are in the night sky. Or how amazing it is to see the color in the mountains during the fall. Not to mention how absolutely great it is to be with friends you never get a chance to see.

The Search For A Cure event was a lot of fun. Though the "Outsiders" team wasn't from VT, and 2/3 of it had never been there before, we came in a respectable 5th (or was it 6th?) place and actually won the most creative award! After all, just because the David statue we used for our "Take a picture with a famous person" category wasn't the original [and not technically a living, breathing person], I'd argue to say he was the most famous person in anyone's picture. [I can bet we wouldn't have known any of the other team's famous people... Haha].

I think we should have gotten extra points for making our judge laugh the hardest too. Just saying. Next year we're going to mop up.

It's unfortunate that all these fundraisers were the same weekend. It would have been nice to spend a bit more time up there and hang out with those elusive mountain people who again, I don't ever see anymore. But the JDRF walk is important too, and while the freezing rain was not nearly as fun as the possibly-illegal and random U-turns on small town Main Street, they raked it in this morning.

One thing I think I will always appreciate is seeing how strong people feel about a cause by how they react to the misfortune. I'm not saying JDRF didn't have a bigger turnout had today been beautiful. But the people who did show up got involved and walked and most looked to be having a good time. The rain did not deter them, and I bet it even strengthened their resolve. Go human spirit and the urge to overcome in the face of a crappy hand.

So now the whirlwind of the weekend is over. Kinda sucks, but all in all, a great one.

Here we go...

2009-10-16T09:56:00.002-04:00

Let the philanthropic weekend begin!

[And here's to raising money between the raindrops... again.]

Search For A Cure

JDRF Walk

In search of some good news

2009-10-10T20:05:00.003-04:00

Please someone pleeeease!

Share something good with your boy here.

May angels lead you in

2009-10-06T12:22:00.002-04:00

I recently received a text from one of my college friends about a woman we used to work with. She passed away during the summer at the age of 50 from the cancer which had spread throughout her body.

I hadn't seen her in years, and I don't even remember the last time I talked to her [I remember sending an email or two after graduation, but never really got a response.] She was a pretty cool lady, and while she was a boss, she was one of those who always had a smile, wasn't tyrannical, and made working in retail as bearable as I've ever found it to be.

I especially remember how great she was the summer before my senior year, when my grandfather passed away and I was unable to go home for the funeral. You just know sometimes that people care about you. Even if it's just for those small moments in time.

This all hit a bit harder because the thought of a woman younger than my mother succumbing to cancer is not something I would like to think about now.

But in light of this sad news, some good news today. The chemo is working, and while I don't have any details yet, we look to be on the right path. Hopefully we'll stay that way.

May angels lead you in, Martha. And thank you.

Practical application of life skills

2009-10-05T20:04:00.002-04:00

Two things happened today that caused me to take a minute to pause and reflect [Okay, it was more like grabbing the bull by the horns, wrestling it to the ground, jerking its head in the direction I wanted it to look at, and screaming in its ear, "LOOK!"]

The first was the more specific of the two. After dropping my car off for service, I hitched a ride home with my father and Mags. I got a pretty good chuckle seeing her sitting there behind the wheel of the car as if she was the one chauffeuring our butts back and forth. Her reluctance to hop in the back seat was apparent, however with a couple open windows, how could one resist? Looking in the side mirror, I was able to observe a smiling canine face, eyes half-closed as if in a trance, nose snuffling away at what I can only imagine to be a smorgasbord of smells too enticing to even bother thinking of anything else. Pure bliss for those moments in time, everything else be damned. Talk about living in the moment--being fully present in the moment. I need to be more like a dog.

[If my beach bum surfer boy reincarnation falls through, I will happily settle for a carefree dog. Perhaps the carefree dog of a surfer?]

The second thing that happened today was a combination of a few things. The most relevant I've considered before, but today it became more and more apparent. My job is beginning to destroy me, however, I feel like I should be taking more advantage of it than I allow it to bleed from me. Working with the public is difficult, and my patience levels have more or less been obliterated. Yet, I want to try and be more Buddhist in my ways. More calm and composed. I recognize the possibility of the hypocritical nature of my day-to-day relations with people if I'm barely holding myself back from asking them how stupid they are. This... daily endeavor is a perfect training ground for practicing patience. In fact, dare I say it would even be ideal to practice compassion?

[I'm also glad that you can't see me wincing at the thought of practicing compassion with some of these people. I swear unless you have worked with the general public, you have no idea whatsoever what this could even entail.]

But see! Training grounds. Small steps. Let us ignore the fact that it's sort of like being tossed in the deep end before you even learn how to tread water, let alone swim for the edge of the pool. Ha! Who am I to take the easy path anyway? Not to mention that my patience and understanding and compassion must remain in full swing when I get home. I'm not going to touch that now... You get the general idea.

So my two lessons: 1) Be more like a dog. 2) Practice patience and compassion at work, the optimal training arena.

Somehow I think if I can manage the first, the second will fall more easily into place.

Money money money

2009-10-04T10:45:00.002-04:00

Earlier in the year, I remember sort of complaining about how it was a major project to get people to donate money to charitable organizations. There was also probably something in there about how I don't care if people [read: friends] support my causes. But we're all reasonably young and able and lucky, and I think we should be involved.

Well, a bunch of people did indeed get involved! And, as luck would have it, 5 of those people got involved with fundraisers that take place within 2 weeks of one another! I actually ran into the problem of not being able to put as much money out for these things as I would have hoped. Don't get me wrong, I know it's okay to support certain charities and not others. But these individuals have been so great with Relay, how could I not support them?

Strides Against Breast Cancer, the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer, Alliance for Lupus Research, and The May Fund will all take pieces of my paycheck this month. While they threaten my family and friends, it's a small sacrifice.

Thanks to all of you who got involved with something. Keep it up! Here's to making a difference.

To flu shot, or not to flu shot...

2009-09-30T10:41:00.002-04:00

That is the question.

I have 3 hours to decide if I should get a flu shot (for free from the city). I've never had one before, and don't really want to get one.

But between my mom and my sister, I wonder if I should. They've both gotten one, so I guess mine would just be added protection...

Hmmm...

And soon, another tomorrow...

2009-09-29T22:13:00.005-04:00

It's taken me over a week to write this post. Every time I sit and write, my thoughts jumble and I can't eloquently express what has been occupying my mind. So now I'm just going to spew some words onto this keyboard and we'll see what happens.

Remember the "Tomorrow" post? And "Today"? Well now there's this one.

On Thursday, my mom goes in for tests. Of course, this is all assuming that insurance doesn't decide to pull it's temper-tantrum power trip and prevent her from going. [Of course, today when they called to tell her there might be some sort of problem, she was at chemo. And do insurance people work late hours? Nah. Why would they? Libraries need to be open late for the people, because you know, it's free. Insurance, which is pretty much like anal rape and extortion for top dollar, doesn't need to go that extra mile.]

Anyway... there are these 2 tests that come out of this one procedure. If all goes the way it should, results should be in on Tuesday, just in time for next week's chemo.

Here we are again. At that spot in time, where there is nothing to really do but wait. Did it go away? Did it shrink? Did it spread? Is the making-you-sick-so-you-can-get-better chemo working?

Lots of people tell me not to worry, that it will be fine. And honestly, what should I expect anyone to say? Sometimes I want to ask how they will know. Sometimes I agree. Sometimes it's all I can do to ask them not to tell me something they can't guarantee. I guess it depends on the mood.

Once we got over the initial impact earlier this year, the process of "Okay, now what do we have to do to get this taken care of" kicked back in. Business as usual. But a couple weeks ago, the game changed. A comment was made implying the question of "tomorrow" or the possibility of a negative outcome to all of this. While I didn't hear the comment first-hand, it was enough to make me sort of sick. Enough to rattle that thought of "Let's get this done" and to introduce "Oh... How much time?"

I suppose part of it is a crisis of faith. Or what some people tell me is pessimism, although I'm more convinced it's realism. Now I'm not saying that I'm expecting the worst. But I'm not stupid, nor do I consider myself naive in this. I know that for every happy ending, there is a sad one. For all the smiles, there are opposite tears. Our hopes and fears and wants... This selfish notion that things need to be "fair" or at the very least acceptable. Sometimes we can only do so much. Be it God or fate or mystical monkeys, I don't really care at this moment.

Apparently, in order to process this moment, I've decided to step away from it. Like I said, I'm not expecting the worst, and while I hope for the best I won't allow myself to walk blindly into that territory. I've thought about this a lot. I won't go so far as to say I have meditated on it, because I've been awful at sticking to that. But I have tried to keep an open mind--tried to mentally prepare myself for whatever is tossed at me.

***
Well, that wasn't too terribly awful, huh? Now my task: Put it aside. Because here we are with nothing to do but wait. There is nothing to be done but that which is already being done. Think I can manage that one?

Image banking

2009-09-27T18:07:00.002-04:00

Through the years, I have acquired hundreds of magazine clippings of people, animals, landscapes, architecture, etc to use as reference for various projects or illustrations. Since you never really know what the future holds, I would take anything that looked interesting, beautiful, disturbing, or just plain cool. Action shots, portraits, calm, chaotic. Literally, anything that caught my eye regardless of subject matter.

In the past month, I was approached about 2 possible freelance opportunities. One involves an orchard/bar/winery setting, another for a YA summer reading program involving water/waves. [They aren't really guaranteed jobs... Need to do some sketches and pass them along to see if we want to proceed. Which, of course, screams of "NO NO NO!! That's not the way to do it!!! But I know both clients, and I can't really say "No" without the guilt. And if anything, it will give me something to work on, right?]

Apparently, with all the imagery that I've taken the time to collect, I don't really have anything that encompasses either of these topics. I find it sort of funny and a bit frustrating. It's not that I don't have other resources available (um, library... internet... haha). While I can't really direct friends in reference shots anymore, I should be able to manage.

Side note: I don't think I fully appreciated the good humor and awesomeness of all my art school friends who would pretty much do anything as far as poses were concerned. To say that it is helpful to have people do whatever you want just so you have good reference material for a project is an understatement.

Burrrr-gerrrrr

2009-09-26T17:23:00.003-04:00

Dudes.

So, seeing as how I work in a library, and countless books of all shapes, sizes and genres pass through my fingers, I am exposed to lots of awesome, cool, disturbing, exciting, novel stuff. I'm like a literary whore.

Anyway, I currently sit here with Bobby Flay's Burgers, Fries and Shakes and am in awe. I am barely halfway through the burgers and can barely flip another page.

I love burgers just as much as the next guy. One of the best things about summer is the grill, and while fish and veggies and steaks and kabobs [and I'm going to stop there, lest I bore you with all the things I have eaten from off a grill this summer], a juicy cheeseburger is like home. Familiar, happy, satisfying. I'm hungry just thinking about it.

Cookbooks and things are always fun, but ONLY if they have pictures. After all, how can you tell you want to try dates stuffed with chorizo and goat cheese if you can't tell what it's going to look like? Bobby Flay doesn't use pictures of these burgers everywhere, but holy crap. These burgers are scandalous. Cheyenne Burger... Greek Burger... Sante Fe Burger... I'm not even saying these are so extraordinary or exotic. They just LOOK so amazing. Cheese oozing and dripping over fat burger, dribbling down crusty rolls, pooling on the plate.

Love it.

I don't think I can finish going through it though. It makes me hungry(er) and sort of sad that I wasn't more adventurous with this year's burgers. Perhaps I should just buy this book [we'll ignore the fact I've had this one for too long] and start experimenting.

Awesome!

2009-09-18T14:19:00.001-04:00

I do believe some creative license was used in these signs. I might even go so far as to say some could be works of art. Check it: 25 Funny Lost and Found Signs

Relay 2010

2009-09-14T12:21:00.002-04:00

The website for Relay For Life 2010 is already up, which is sort of exciting. It looks a bit cooler than last year's site [although we have the site through the same company, so I doubt the frustrations will have vanished].

I'm trying to use some restraint and NOT sign up yet. Since we're not even really close to the end of 2009, I foresee it being a bit difficult to raise money online. We'll see though. Perhaps a Halloween bake sale would kick off some fundraising. Hmmm...

$10,000.00 is pretty far away...

Is that... a sense of accomplishment?

2009-09-08T22:24:00.004-04:00

Ha, so dramatic! But, indeed! Dare I say it...? Okay, I'll say it.

I got my website up! Okay, well I didn't necessarily get it up. My favorite Vermonter actually did that. But after all this time, I actually, finally have a website. No bells and whistles, but it looks pretty cool and gets the job done. Sick. =)

And, while my Labor Day weekend was fairly low-key (minus some BBQ shenanigans on Saturday), I dove back into painting and almost finished a new piece. Not an original, per se. Inspired from an magazine picture in my image bank. But I think it's pretty sweet.

Haha, and look at that! When it's finished, I'll be able to put it on my WEBSITE. Rock on. I'll allow the smile.

[Take that, bout of sort-of-depression!]

The lion and the unicorn...

2009-08-27T23:12:00.005-04:00

When we were little, I remember watching this live version of Alice in Wonderland that my grandmother had taped for us. It was sort of fun, sort of trippy. I guess pretty much like every other version of Alice in Wonderland.

Anyway, there's this part in there where there's a lion and a unicorn sort of acting out the nursery rhyme.

The lion and the unicorn
Were fighting for the crown
The lion beat the unicorn
All around the town.

For whatever reason, I got this idea to do a painting based on this. I don't really have anything other than the "Hmm... that could be kinda cool."

I don't have a composition idea, or a style idea. In fact, beyond the image of a lion and unicorn, I don't really have anything to go on. Maybe I'll just slap some paint on there and play...

Mandatory Summer Reading

2009-08-21T10:42:00.001-04:00

While the thought of staying in bed and never getting up was certainly tempting, I did manage to get up this morning. [Of course, that had more to do with the phone call for a potential freelance gig, soon to be followed by a call for a Relay meeting.]

My mission today is to try and get the f*** over yesterday, and shrug off some of this bullshit.

So far, I manage a chuckle with this article from America's Finest News Source:

Study: 74% Of Children Tenting Out In Yard Don't Make It Through The Night

I wish I could make copies and slip it in the books at work. That would be a larf.

"How come everybody... How come everybody gets down?"

2009-08-20T22:46:00.002-04:00

Today sucked. I take back everything I ever jested about a "lucrative civil service job." I feel like I've been played for the past... 13 years. That's a double digit number, you know. Thirteen.

So work is awful. And it's fun when the higher ups look you in the eye and say, "We know morale is low." Hahah. Ya think?! You wanna maybe jump in there and like, I dunno, do something about it?

But whatever. A job's a job, right? And as per my earlier posts, it doesn't define who I am. Of course, the kick-in-the-gut feeling that I've wasted the past 6-12 years of my life is a little difficult to get over. More fun to get over is the dam that burst open upon today's wonderful news.

Among these gems:
I am wasting my life.
I don't know what to do with myself.
Why am I so unable to make some sort of change?
Why can't I find a job?
I'm not as creative or talented as I need to be to get this shit done.
I still live at home!
I'VE WASTED 6 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE! [I am aware the math doesn't add up, just trust me on this one though.]
I'm a joke.

[I did notice all the "I"s packed in there by the way. How self-deprecating of me.]

At this point, the swirling thoughts and headache are clashing with disgust and depression and anger and all I want to do is... what? Run away? Get in my car and drive? Head to the nearest bar? I consider calling someone to vent, and then I suddenly can't.

I realize I probably should go home, since now I'm 2 hours late, and I think about how it's going to suck to walk into a house full of people and pretend nothing is wrong. But I don't really have any other options. And homecoming sucked more than I anticipated.

Last week something snapped. This week it was crushed. I feel defeated.

. . .

2009-08-20T20:21:00.002-04:00

['nuff said.]

Rock on America.

2009-08-18T12:18:00.001-04:00

Commentary: Frightening future if health reform fails - CNN.com

Heh...

2009-08-12T18:04:00.002-04:00

Something broke inside me today. It stretched and bent and wiggled and fought back. But it snapped.

I wonder what it was.

Hahahaaa

2009-08-11T11:33:00.001-04:00

This reminds me of a few years ago...

Area Man Has No Idea How To Get Copy Of Birth Certificate | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

"Yay! Come travel with us! Oh wait, you're single? Ooooo.... Yeah. About that..."

2009-08-05T18:33:00.003-04:00

I have been looking into some tours/trips that include groups so I could get over my little ghetto-ness about "I'd rather not go somewhere cool and sit there by myself because I'm a loser" thing. It's sort of cool because there are seem to be a lot of things out there.

But guess what! If you are traveling alone, you get charged extra. As in $100 to $200 or more. Hahah, so you know when they say "Discounts available for group rates!"? Well, apparently sometimes it's also "Extra fees when you don't have anyone to go with!" [I could launch into my feelings about relationships and being single, or even how I liken this to celebrating anniversaries, but I will refrain for now.]

Good shit. I'd rather pay $200 towards a friend's trip then give it to some company/group/tour. Oh well.

So I think maybe I'm going to hack up that vacation instead of taking the whole week. I can try to shoot for something in the future and put a little more planning into it [whether that includes saving a few extra hundred for to travel alone or trying to get a friend or 2 to come with].

Tryin' to leave some options open, but we're coming down to the wire. Oh well...

Vacate the premises

2009-07-29T23:57:00.002-04:00

Scheduling vacation at my job is a hassle, in part because all vacation needs to be settled and approved usually by February. Sure, you can attempt to change a day or two but only if you're lucky enough to have it not interfere with anyone else's approved time off.

I usually try to pack long weekends towards the end of the year (mostly because vacation is pro-rated, and if I get lucky enough to leave, I don't want to owe them hours or money). This year though, I actually scored a whole week off in September. The desire to travel somewhere is quite strong. But I feel stuck. Why? Because, I don't really like traveling alone. Or rather, I'd rather share a new place or new experiences with other people. The actual getting to where I'm going isn't the issue. It's the what to do when I get there.

This year, half of my friends are broke or getting married or buying houses, making them monetarily unable to partake in such adventure. The others have either scheduled their own vacations and asked me to take part after the fact ["We're all going to do THIS! You should come too! What? You can't take that time off? Well we already have everything booked, so try anyway."] if I was privileged enough to be included at all. Rock on.

I have 10 days to do SOMETHING! Hawaii? Haha. That part of me that wants to say "Screw it, peace out," and bounce to what I have built up in my mind to be paradise is all over this idea. I'd love to go there and scope it out--Kauai!?--and seal the deal or burn through my own illusions. San Diego? Seattle? Santa Fe? Hell, Italy and finally get my passport stamped with something? Haha. There are even these "Volunteer Vacations" all over the place, but the problem with those is they usually require more time--anywhere from a few weeks to a few months. I won't get into prices, or how for the cost I should just go to Hawaii.

So I don't know. It's frustrating, and I know it's sort of silly. I shouldn't let an opportunity pass because I don't want to go alone (hahaha, boo hoo, right?). I'm looking for some sort of sign! And, you know, the right idea to splash into my totally otherwise occupied mind.

That hat...

2009-07-28T22:16:00.003-04:00

Mom started wearing the wig today. I think because she went to take care of some stuff at work, and it's easier to get people used to a new 'do after a couple weeks off rather than come in all of a sudden with different hair one day [Okay, so it might work if you're faux-hawkin it and you couldn't really care what people think of your hair, but we aren't all blessed with the ability to pull it off].

Needless to say, I hate the wig. I know it's important, and I understand it's role in this whole process to every person who goes through something like this. The hair loss is the thing that slams this into perspective for me. Why is that? Can it really be just because it makes it a more visible aspect of the illness? Do I write the chemo off as just a bunch of doctors' visits? Pretend the inconvenience of numbness and occasional appetite loss is just a bug now and then?

She doesn't wear the wig around the house, which I'm grateful for. If you can't walk around bald in front of your family [be they blood related family or not], then you have a problem. But there's this blue hat. Her head gets cold, so she wears the hat. And while she still has hair [I buzzed it short about a week ago in prep], I haven't seen her without that hat since Friday. I know this means it's falling out faster and getting thinner.

I'm disappointed in myself because I don't feel like I'm handling it all that well. I'm disappointed that I can shrug off the seriousness of all of this crap until we get to the hair loss. It's just hair. Buddhists shave their heads to keep humble [it's difficult to worry about your hairstyle and how it affects your appearance and societal status when you don't have any]. I know it's just hair and it'll grow back. Who cares?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not falling apart over it or anything. But all day long when someone asked me how it was going, or what's new, all I could think of to say was "My mom had to wear the wig today." Of course I didn't actually say it. But if you were to ask me today, "What's up dude?" that would have been my honest answer.

I fucking hate you cancer.

Nailed by the library!

2009-07-28T12:06:00.000-04:00

This is ridiculous, but certainly funny.

Nailed 'Em - Library Crime | July 27, 2009 - Movits! | ColbertNation.com

Book burning? Really?

2009-07-22T20:31:00.001-04:00

Ridiculous:

Library fight riles up city, leads to book-burning demand - CNN.com

[I'm not a fan of censorship.]

Fireflies

2009-07-18T15:41:00.005-04:00

Song of the day (or past several, actually)

Fireflies by Owl City

It reminds me of Trying To Put Your Heart Back Together. Like a happy sad song or something. Plus, with a Firefly program coming up, and the awesome little dudes flyin' around the past few weeks, it seems appropriate.

And I like this line:

To ten million fireflies
I'm weird, cause I hate goodbyes

Lost and Gone Forever

2009-07-16T22:08:00.001-04:00

Would be so awesome...

11.27

New York, NY

Beacon Theatre

Tickets on sale Friday 7/17. Celebrating 10 years of Lost and Gone Forever. An "Evening With" Guster: Two sets, one of which will be the album in its entirety.
Flyers

All Ages

8:00 pm

TIX

=)

2009-07-13T19:40:00.000-04:00

I'm going to be an uncle.

Jobbity Job Jobs

2009-07-12T18:27:00.003-04:00

My very good friends are going to be sad that I did not in fact start on their save-the-dates this weekend like I intended to. Instead, I spent the weekend working. And having a good night out (um, sushi and Punch-Out!!? I can hardly be held accountable for that, right?). And spending alll day today building another website in addition to the PBworks site that I put together during the week. I used iWeb this time, and it actually didn't come out too bad.

Of course, I don't have a way to publish it, so no one can see it but me. Haha. Yeah. I don't know if I want to dish out $100/yr for a .mac account or whatever, especially since I already have a couple domains all dusty in the wings waiting for me to do something with them.

Why the sudden urge to whittle away at a website? Well, this job I kinda want asks for web site info/link to artist's site. I've tried to come up with something creative, and I actually have some pretty cool ideas for websites. I just don't have the technical know-how or apparently the funds to hire someone. Minor issue.

We will see what becomes of this. You should keep your fingers crossed or say a little prayer for me about the job. And if I ever figure out how to publish (is that even the right word? Yeah, I suck like that) the cool(er) site I will pop the link on here.

Clouds and fire

2009-07-09T21:48:00.004-04:00

Sitting on the plane the other morning, we were treated to one of the most breath-taking sights; shortly after taking off and breaking through the southern clouds, the sun started to come up.

What made it most fascinating though was right before our star broke the cloudy horizon. There was this brilliant blaze peeking across what could have been the edge of the world. It was a pencil line of fire almost too intense to look at. The clouds became waves of cotton, and the fog below the plane made the landscape look more like a bottomless ocean instead of solid ground.

For what couldn't have been more than 20 seconds, we got to look at this amazing picture. And then the pencil line started to bleed, and the orange fire spread up into the sky. Before we knew it, the sun emerged [and pretty much blinded us, haha].

It was quite amazing, and something I hope to experience again.

Ugh.

2009-07-01T11:26:00.003-04:00

Okay, wait. Not totally "Ugh."

Doc gave Mom the okay to travel so long as she's back from next week's chemo. Rock on!

But.

My flight got canceled.

[We're not all on the same vacation schedule, so this only effects a couple of us.]

We were kindly re-booked on a flight tomorrow. I'm sort of... what's the word... annoyed? But I guess I should be glad I don't have to run around tonight, right?

Today.

2009-06-25T19:02:00.008-04:00

You have a long day at work, constantly thinking and wondering and anxious. You're a little on edge, and that damn new copy machine [read: office hand-me-down] is just being a piece of shit. The public is crankier than usual, you find yourself biting back comments, cutting off retorts before they drip from your lips.

You look over your shoulder at the clock even though you fully realize that it can't be more than 5 minutes that have passed.

Your stomach sinks a little when it's 3:00--the time you know she's in the appointment. You take your break and do some breathing and calm yourself down.

You text your sister, asking if she thinks there will be a text. [Dad's great at sending cryptic text messages for any such event.] She says she hopes, that she even requested a phone call. It crosses your mind that you should text yourself. Or call. But you're scared.

3:30. 4:00. 4:30. 5:00.

And now you know.

Those 3 hours pass excruciatingly slow. You punch out, get in the car and drive home. Your dad opens the door before you even have a chance to put the key in the lock. This has never happened before. Ever. He tells you everyone is outside and we all need to talk.

You go to wash up, and your sister is in tears in the bathroom. You don't say anything, because what is there to say? You don't ask anything, because you shouldn't hear it from her. And she might exaggerate. She might not have it all straight. You accept that the breast cancer came back and now we have to kick it's ass again.

You go outside to a sea of sad faces--another sister who just finished crying, a cousin who stares blankly ahead, her boyfriend looking slightly uncomfortable but supportive. You walk over to your mom and give her a hug. She kisses your cheek and tells you.

You fully expect to hear: "The breast cancer came back."

Instead you get, "They found a spot on my liver."

You don't really register lots of stuff after that. You sort of hear that it is very important to start the chemo as soon as possible. Monday morning in fact. 3 weeks on, 1 week off. They don't know how long, because they don't know how bad it is yet or how it will respond to treatment.

Your mind flashes back to see her there; pale and skinny, wisps of hair clinging to her white head. You remember when it all fell out, in clumps, and when you had to shave her head. You see the discomfort and weakness that the treatment causes. You despair.

You numbly eat a hot dog because, once again [or as always], work has made you late for family dinner. It doesn't really taste like anything. You try and crack some jokes, and wonder why there isn't a lump in your throat.

Before she leaves for a visit to the monastery, you get a couple minutes alone with her. The doctor specifically made her appointment his last, so he could spend as much time with her as she needed. He walked in and told her: "This is serious." No family reunion trips to SC. "We have to start as soon as possible."

She is strong as ever. Obviously upset, sort of in that "here we go again" mode. But she isn't crying. She doesn't tear up. She is strong. So you decide you are just going to be strong again too.

Today you are reminded, and you are forced to remember. Today was what you feared, and a little bit worse. Your faith is shaken, your fragile smile falters. You try and harden yourself for what comes next. For the next tomorrow.

But today. Today...

Tomorrow.

2009-06-24T23:21:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow my mom finds out if the cancer came back. Or if it spread somewhere else.

But I guess I should backpedal a little bit. A couple weeks ago, she had a check-up and they found that her tumor count (tumor markers?) was too high. While this in and of itself does not mean anything horrible, it isn't a terribly good sign. In fact, it could all be messed up because she recently got over a non-pig related flu. However, it was strongly recommended that she follow up with a PET scan and a bone scan and all that. One was last Friday, the other this past Monday.

[Let me segue for just a moment about insurance companies. They fucking suck. The vindictive part of me hopes that those incompetent assholes get screwed when they need something important. The "I'm trying to be a better person" part of me pities them for being so useless, because that's all that part is capable of doing at the moment.]

Now, I haven't talked about this to anyone. I have found it's been on the tip of my tongue and I just haven't been able to vocalize the words. I think part of the situation has been the uncertainty of it all. Why say anything if it's all going to turn out okay?

But I dunno. I'm sort of scared. That Thanksgiving when she found the lump, I knew it was cancer. You know when you get that feeling--when you are just certain of something? In the olden days, when you just knew you bombed that test [>ahem< style="font-style: italic;">knew you'd wind something [rock on $25 Ski Barn gift card]. Sometimes you just know, and it's going to be good. Sometimes you just know and it's going to be bad.

I have been doing pretty good trying to avoid thinking about it. Yet, every so often I get this sinking feeling, and all that heartache and worry flashes back. And then sometimes I get that almost embarrassed feeling for even thinking it, because I know it will be okay.

And I just totally wrote about how I am sort of getting bummed out [I'm going to refrain from using the "D" word]. Concern and questioning over family and friendships and love. It really went on and on. But don't worry, I deleted it.

Here's to tomorrow.

Pitch black

2009-06-09T21:56:00.002-04:00

On my conference journey today, I had the distinct pleasure of driving into the pitch blackness that was a ghetto-ass thunderstorm of the highest order.

Messed up. It literally looked like it could have been midnight, not 7:30 a.m.

Being the quick-witted individual I am, I thought "Hey! It's just dark, at least it's not raining." Ever the optimist!

Then it poured for the next 2 hours and I couldn't see anything. Awesome.

Although the occasional bolt of lightning streaking across the sky was enough to remind me that there was something beyond the raindrops, cars and clouds. If I hadn't been driving, it would have been sweet.

[The conference was cool.]

SQUIRREL!

2009-06-05T00:12:00.000-04:00

You should go see Up.

Wrap up meeting #1

2009-06-03T20:55:00.004-04:00

So tonight was our Team Captain Wrap-up Meeting. We had the usual crew present (it's STILL frustrating to have 8 or 9 team captains show up when you actually have over 20 teams, but it's okay) and we were informed that we have currently raised over $51,800.00!! So awesome. We only need $3,200.00!! That's nothing--we're so close!!

I made a bulletin board at work to advertise the fact that my team had kicked so much butt. I had done this more to sort of toss it in the board's face, since they are notoriously against us and all that we do. I wanted to show them that we had come together and wiped up without ANY help from them. They probably didn't give a shit, and that's fine too. But I wanted my coworkers to know and be proud.

Then on Saturday, a patron actually came up to me and thanked me. Just a "Thank you so much for doing this." To know that someone who was not directly involved went out of their way to thank me. It was just... Wow. Hah.

I was even quoted in the paper (which is weird to see), and at a family party on Sunday there were some people who commended me for the speech I made day of that they kept hearing about. I felt sort of guilty, because it wasn't all improvised. But what was interesting was how they had heard about it from friends or friends of friends, since they hadn't actually been there.

And tonight, I was presented with the coveted "Platinum Team" lawn sign. Haha.

I guess I am a little proud after all.

Now how to top that?

Ask You

2009-05-26T10:50:00.001-04:00

Go here and check out the song. (Then, you should probably leave a comment and let him know what you think. Chances are you'll help make his day.)

My Life Prediction (summed up in songs courtesy of my Scrubs playlist)

2009-05-20T23:08:00.007-04:00

Can you tell Relay's over? I spent way too much time playing around with this. But here she goes:

Everybody's Changing - Keane (Played while I feel like I lose half the people I thought would be there forever.)

Ain't No Reason - Brett Dennen (Played while I'm questioning life and relationships and why things suck.)

Surrender - Cheap Trick (Played when I give up and try to go with the flow.)

Be Yourself - Audioslave (Played while I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing.)

Boston - Augustana (Played when I reach the bottom and decide to drop everything and move to the other side of the country. Note that instead of wanting to leave the west coast and go to Boston, it would be the opposite. Some snow would not be nice, and I'm tired of the sunrise. Although I wouldn't mind finding a lover and flying her out to Spain.)

Little Victories - Matt Nathanson (Played while I'm trying to talk myself out of tucking my tail between my legs and running back to the comfort zone.)

Beautiful World - Colin Hay (Played when I come into my own... find myself... and find her.)

Overkill [acoustic version]- Colin Hay (Played when I'm half there, half not, what do I do boyo, what do I do?)

Mother We Just Can't Get Enough - New Radicals (Played when I start to get crazy about her.)

Brick House - Commodores (Played at the weddings I might be invited to. I will probably dance to this if I'm drinking too.)

Fix You - Cold Play (Played when we help each other overcome whatever bullshit we allow to beat us down.)

Learn To Fly (Played when I'm traveling, learning, living... undoubtedly a montage.)

Blue Eyes - Carey Brother (Played when I realize I fell in love with her.)

The Book of Love - Peter Gabriel (Played when we get married.)

These Photographs - Joshua Radin (Played when I can't imagine being happier.)

Snow (Hey Oh) - Red Hot Chili Peppers (Played when something's wrong.)

Wonderful - Everclear (Played when she stops loving me and breaks my heart.)

Come Around - Rhett Miller (Played when I try to get over her.)

A Bad Dream - Keane (Played because without a doubt this will pop up somewhere in my future. Here would be good, so I can get it over with.)

In The Sun - Joseph Arthur (Played when I finally let her go and make peace with myself.)

Waiting For My Real Life To Begin - Colin Hay (Played when it all falls into place.)

Missed The Boat - Modest Mouse (Played on the shaky ground... but it's not really so bad.)

Miracle - Foo Fighters (Played because, after all, it is.)

Beautiful Day - U2 (Played because I know it is, and when it comes down to it that's what counts.)

100 Years - Five For Fighting (Played at the end. Predictable, but fitting.)

Damn... I should get started, huh?

[Of course, this is just something I played around with after some job hunting burnout... If my life does wind up needing some sort of soundtrack, I would branch out beyond a Scrubs playlist... There's always a Sweetness moment. Or a Parachute. And Here You Me. Plus you can't forget Subtitles. Or Breath Me. Two Points For Honesty? Hometown Glory? And the stuff GB hasn't introduced me to yet, or the stuff that hasn't been written yet. And maybe some original stuff by some original people...]

$10,000.00

2009-05-18T20:28:00.001-04:00

We did it. =)

Relay For Life 2009

2009-05-17T23:23:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was the big day, and I'm still recovering today. My drenched butt didn't get home till after 4 this morning, and I'm tired as hell and sore all over. But it feels good.

We got rained out once again (although, I actually wasn't responsible for calling it... and it stopped raining around 1 maybe? 2? And by 3 there was nothing. I was sort of disappointed). Yet, even with that setback, we managed to get almost everything in.

The sun actually came out for a while, and most of the afternoon proved to be beautiful. Survivor/Opening Ceremony went off without a hitch, laps and activities went as smoothly as could be expected. There were people playing football and volleyball. Our DJ was awesome. There was singing, laughing, food, fun all over. I didn't get to partake in too much of that, but it was good to see everyone else enjoying it.

Around 8 or so, my uncle told me the weather didn't look too good. I pow-wow'd with my Luminary committee, and after JUST telling them how great they were, and how much pressure they took off the rest of us, and how my co-chair and I never for a minute worried about what they were doing, I told them to do the ceremony at 9:00 instead of 10:00. By this time it was 8:30. The look of shock didn't go any farther than that, and with the help of half the stadium, we got all those bags--almost 1700--out around the track. 20 lighters and some sprinting around the field later, those bags were all lit. The speaker was even able to make it back and we started pretty much right at 9. It was awesome, and the Luminaria Ceremony, as always, perfect.

[If there is one thing you must experience, at least once, it would be this ceremony. It's one of the most touching and emotional things I've ever taken part in. And that sensation, those emotions, are never dulled no matter how many I've done.]

Then the rain came. And some thunder and lightning. And more rain. And everyone left. Well, almost everyone. My ACS chair and I were the last to take off after finally getting some ghetto children to vacate the premises. (Yes, we actually got some participation from "kids" this year! But now this means we're going to have to really stay on top of those chaperone forms, because said kids should not have been there by themselves. And I don't do babysitting for strangers.)

So now it's over, and I'm left feeling a little... I dunno. Hah. At first, I had this feeling of accomplishment. But there's something tarnishing that, and I'm not sure what it is. I had many people come up to me yesterday and thank me. Not only Committee Members or Team Captains, but some perfect strangers. Friends and family congratulated me for a job well done. One of my teammates informed me that if given the option, she'd have a son just like me. (Hehe, how awful would that be, the poor boy!) I had people thank me for bringing them together, for introducing them to new friends, for helping them through difficult times.

And here I am, with a team that has raised $10,000.00 (okay, we're like $400 short, but I've got 3 months so you damn well better believe I'm going to find a way to make it happen), in charge of an event that's raised over $49,000.00 ($6,000 more till our goal!! Granted, a little tougher to raise in 3 months, but still doable). A good 85% of the program got done! Smiles and all, despite the weather...

I should still feel proud right now, ya? I should smile (haha, okay, well I am smiling), and feel like I did as great a job as I keep telling everyone else they did.

I wanted to help people, to make a difference. I guess I did...

And I want to do it again.

Rain?

2009-05-15T16:41:00.001-04:00

Probably. Bastards.

Crossing fingers for a good event...

4 days!

2009-05-12T12:01:00.002-04:00

I keep getting a different weather report than everyone else. And that's a good thing based on the ones I've been getting! (I suppose a battle between Channel 12, The Weather Channel, and whatever miscellaneous Boston source are going to have to duke it out. If my guy wins I'm going to be pissed.)

It's exciting! I sorta can't wait. There's going to be people from all over too, which is awesome. I hope my responsibilities won't prevent me from being able to hang out at all.

Okay, so are you with me!? Are we going to rock this thing?

Oh yes. Yes we are.

"I can say I hope it will be worth what I give up"

2009-05-11T22:25:00.005-04:00

I wonder what's going to happen this year. What sort of ups and downs the next 365 days will hold.

Lost in thought. But not in a wholly bad way...

Pink Flamingos

2009-05-11T11:45:00.002-04:00

As I opened the shades this morning to get some light for ironing, I was greeted by a sight which actually made me laugh out loud. Upon our front lawn sat not one, not two, not three, but FIVE pink flamingos. (Okay, so not REAL flamingos, but still.)

It was awesome. It's actually a fundraiser for the ACS Strides Against Breast Cancer event in October. One of my former Relayers, a breast cancer survivor, left us this year to concentrate on that event. I played around with the idea of getting involved in that too, for my mom, but it might be too much...

So now I have pink flamingos! We'll have to pay some money to make them flock away. Although I sort of like them there.

It's funny too because we were going to do a similar thing for Relay (except with purple flamingos or some other lawn decoration). I wasn't sure how receptive people would be or how easy it would be to get off the ground. With a small committee it's hard to get spearhead so many different things. But based on my reaction this morning, I'll think we'll have to do it next year. Maybe dueling flamingos?!

Awesome.

Moo-vays

2009-05-10T19:18:00.004-04:00

Some thoughts.

Wolverine was okay. Not great, but not awful. I guess I'm uber-sensitive about my merry mutants. And I probably had my Wolvie fix with his first 3 movies (Or, the X-men trilogy...). It's just... how do you stick Cyke in there? There was no point in having Emma Frost in there (If you saw the trailer then you know exactly what her role consists of). And Gambit? Man. What a way to try and cram all this stuff--all these characters--into a movie. Story be damned.

Terminator actually looks pretty sick. I feel I'm sort of drawn to that post-apocalyptic thing, whether it's Age of Apocalypse or Logan's Run or Matrix or I Am Legend (I'll stick with Matheson, you can have Will Smith) or whatever. I would like to see it. I wonder if John Connor will be surprised when he meets a Terminator for the first time. He probably shouldn't be.

Up is probably going to be another Pixar smash. Considering the only Pixar movie I didn't really get into was Cars, I should see this.

Last but not least, I should actually go see Star Trek. Those are words I never thought I'd string together before, but damn it looks pretty awesome.

Haven't seen Watchmen yet, so I'm not sure that I'll actually get to any of these. And an $11.50 price tag stings. But we shall see...

Saturday, May 16

2009-05-08T11:48:00.002-04:00

SHOWERS?!?!!!!!! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH..........

wtf dude. really.

this kid is tryin not to stress.

Saturday, May 16

2009-05-07T11:44:00.001-04:00

MOSTLY SUNNY!!!!!

Keep those fingers crossed.....

$1,868.92!!

2009-05-06T21:54:00.006-04:00

That's how much money my team has to raise to make $10,000.00 for this year's Relay For Life.

I have made it my personal mission to see this happen. Of course, I have no idea whatsoever on how to make it happen. But here's my thing.

First off, if we raise $10,000.00 we become a flagship sponsor for next year's event. So long as we follow a couple rules (like sign-up before March 1, 2010), our name and logo will be on next year's shirt. For the entire region. (I designed our logo. =))

Secondly, what better way to publicize the library and show our community and the surrounding ones that we aren't just some place for free movies for seniors to complain about and a building where middle-school hoodlums can come to get arrested by cops after school (more on that another day). This wouldn't be our consortium. This wouldn't even be our city, per se. This is US. And we (will have) kicked ass.

This, in turn, would make it more fun to stick it to our anti-library mayor and library board. (How is a library board "anti-library", you ask? Good question! Maybe because the mayor has to appoint the board. You know, said mayor who doesn't like us.)

Plus, I don't know how much longer I can do this. Have so much responsibility with all of this. I don't want to be at my job forever, and when I leave, what happens to the team? This is our best chance. And to be the TOP fundraiser in our BEST year. There's a certain amount of pride in that. Okay, that's a little selfish...

Maybe it just boils down to validation. A desire to be part of a bigger picture, to take part in a stride for change. To fight back against a disease that has threatened my family and friends. To strike out at the illness that has stolen them.

I want to make a difference. So I'm going to.

$36,628.85!

2009-05-04T23:30:00.003-04:00

That's how much this Relay has raised so far!!! That is more than TWICE what we raised online last year, and if memory serves me correctly, scant hundreds less than what we ACTUALLY raised last year.

I can hardly believe it. With all that's been happening and with the event barreling down on us... Holy crap! Haha.

I want to push for $40,000.00 by the weekend... Maybe even $45,000.00 by the event? Is it possible?

(That's not to mention the $10,000.00 I'm pushing my team to raise. We're at $7,337.57 right now. If I can sell all those t-shirts, that'll give us another $1,200. Another bake sale, maybe another $400... Who's got $1,000 for us?!)