"Are we dancing...?"

It was almost 2 weeks ago now that I visited my old home, flitted about the old stomping grounds and soaked in the absolute beauty of the beach. My vacation was blissful to say the least, but the two days I spent in Sarasota were also a bit taxing. Not the catching up with friends, the laughter that comes so easily or the beach. But the whole mind trip that accompanied some of the quieter moments. The flood of memories that exploded, the inundation of feelings I had all but forgotten.

The first time it hit me was stepping foot on campus. It would be foolish of me to think things shouldn't be changing, expanding, growing. But wow. That's all I can really say. I can't really describe the full impact. It's something that you'd have to experience, and even then I might just be a little too sensitive. Haha.

"Our" buildings are gone. There are new dorms and studios. In fact, the state-of-the art, blah blah blah, professional as all get out studios are breathtaking. I would be lying if I didn't admit a small amount of jealousy for not being able to use them when we were there.

6 years. Has it really been that long? Can so much really change?

The visual upgrades were one thing, but like I said, those tides of emotion weren't wholly expected. It was like every step I took was a brushstroke that painted memories.

That taste of freedom, of being on my own... The terror and excitement of moving away from home... Depending on Beastie more than I should have, losing her for a few months, then finding her again and forming a bond that will last forever... The complete obnoxious fun we had in the cafeteria [much to the dismay--and dare I say jealousy?--of our peers]... That sense of purpose and accomplishment when I finished a piece, or that sense of failure when it sucked really bad... Football on the beach [especially that time I collided with 'Chusetts and we thought we had killed each other]... My first naked person... Laughing so hard whenever we were together that it hurt... Walking octopuses... The smell of the oil paint... Almost slipping and telling her I loved her [which would have been bad]... The Great Easter Sleep Off... Zombies and video games galore with the Brains of the project... All that rice I ate 2nd year because I was too lazy to make anything else... Running through campus in the pouring rain... Cheese baskets... Vermont sneezing on our walks home from work [swearing it was the light bouncing off the white walls. Except when it rained, which gave him a really good idea for a tshirt]... Conversations in Super's bathroom while she soaked in the tub... Ooops... Being betrayed, loving and being loved, finding people who I thought would be there forever but who have changed or moved on or slipped away...

I could actually go on and on and on, but I don't know how interesting it would be to anyone. I feel like a lonely old man reminiscing to the youngsters. Haha. Aren't you lucky, youngsters?

There are over 1200 pictures downstairs sitting in a box that I need to go through. If there was that much that exploded through me from being there for 24 hours, I can't imagine what looking through 4 years worth of photographs is going to do to me. But I think it has to be done.

A trip to the beach is also necessary. But next time, more friends [new and old] need to be there. Start saving pennies kids.

GoodShopp'in

A few months ago, I blogged a bit about GoodSearch, and sort of suggested that you use it for online searches in order to do some good without actually having to DO anything. During a conversation in a pretty sick Scottish pub in a quaint little Vermont town amongst some of the coolest kids this side of the Mississippi, I mentioned GoodSearch again, and how I have actually been using GoodShop a whole lot this year as well. There was brief discussion that perhaps I had not really talked about GoodShop, and I guess I hadn't when compared to it's predecessor.

So, my dear 6-8 readers, here is my plug for GoodShop!

A quick look at the "Amount Raised" link for my ARF [Amyloidosis Research Foundation] searches will show that my actual searching has declined this year. [Granted, I am mostly operating under the possibly erroneous assumption that I am the only person Good-something-ing for ARF. I might be the biggest contributor, but there's got to be a few others, right?] As of the moment, there have been 2,412 searches in 2009. I am still a huge nerd, and am guilty of looking up a variety of dorky things. But I guess I don't spend as much time sitting in front of a computer screen bored out of my mind. Wicked!

But!!

If you were to take a look at 2007, you'd see ARF raised $2.41. In 2008, $39.51 were raised. In 2009... $74.70! Where did that extra $50+ dollars come from, you ask? From online shopping through GoodShop, I'd answer. I find shopping online to be pretty convenient, especially as I find myself shunning crowded, public-filled places in my free time. [Working with the public can do that to you sometimes.] And it just so happens practically all the places I shop, like Amazon, Old Navy and Apple, are all hooked up with the service. Each month, I tried to make a purchase, however small, through one of the merchants through the GoodShop site. A percentage of each of those purchases is donated by the merchant to the cause. While the donations are usually somewhere between 1%-3%, it's way better than nothing. And looks so much nicer than the penny per search.

Granted, I made a couple of hefty purchases this year [read: TV and the oh, so wonderful MacBook that I'm typing away on right this very minute]. But I'm a strong believer in the idea that every little bit helps. A penny might be a penny. And I wouldn't bet on that 1% chance. But when you put all those pennies together... When you add up all those 1% chances... I have to believe it equals a good thing. [Haha, besides, 1% of $3,000.00 is a hot 30 bucks! Please, don't tell my credit card statement...]

As you've gathered from my posts, I really try to support my friends in their fundraising endeavors. While my biggest commitment remains Relay, and while most of my donations go to support that, I have come to look on ARF as my other cause. [Having friends who are basically family threatened by something you can't seem to fight will do that to you.]

Unfortunately, I'm not wealthy and as much as I want to, I can't support everything. I wanted badly to donate more than the registration fee at the Search on Saturday, and even the extra check I got from my parents didn't seem enough. What makes me feel a little better though, is that a huge chunk of that $74.70 for ARF came from my support.

I set a goal earlier in the year to raise over $100 for ARF through the GoodSearch/GoodShop sites. I know that amount seems so small compared to the dollars raised in other places. But I think it's amazing that any amount can be donated by simple acts of searching, or buying through a link which pretty much requires just one or two extra clicks.

If you're feeling adventurous or supportive, I encourage you to use these websites. You can support almost any cause. If by some chance you actually can't find an organization you support on these sites, you can actually start one of your own. Or, if you don't know who to support, I'd ask for the next 2 1/2 months to toss "ARF" into that charity selection, click the second option [Amyloidsosis Research Fund], and GoodSearch and GoodShop the junk out of it. And maybe together we can raise that $100 by doing nothing more than using our clicking fingers.

Okay, those and maybe our credit cards. But face it, you were going to use those anyway.

...And done

This weekend was pretty exhausting. I am so glad we were able to be part of these fundraisers though. Vermont, as always, is beautiful. Can never really get used to how many stars there are in the night sky. Or how amazing it is to see the color in the mountains during the fall. Not to mention how absolutely great it is to be with friends you never get a chance to see.

The Search For A Cure event was a lot of fun. Though the "Outsiders" team wasn't from VT, and 2/3 of it had never been there before, we came in a respectable 5th (or was it 6th?) place and actually won the most creative award! After all, just because the David statue we used for our "Take a picture with a famous person" category wasn't the original [and not technically a living, breathing person], I'd argue to say he was the most famous person in anyone's picture. [I can bet we wouldn't have known any of the other team's famous people... Haha].

I think we should have gotten extra points for making our judge laugh the hardest too. Just saying. Next year we're going to mop up.

It's unfortunate that all these fundraisers were the same weekend. It would have been nice to spend a bit more time up there and hang out with those elusive mountain people who again, I don't ever see anymore. But the JDRF walk is important too, and while the freezing rain was not nearly as fun as the possibly-illegal and random U-turns on small town Main Street, they raked it in this morning.

One thing I think I will always appreciate is seeing how strong people feel about a cause by how they react to the misfortune. I'm not saying JDRF didn't have a bigger turnout had today been beautiful. But the people who did show up got involved and walked and most looked to be having a good time. The rain did not deter them, and I bet it even strengthened their resolve. Go human spirit and the urge to overcome in the face of a crappy hand.

So now the whirlwind of the weekend is over. Kinda sucks, but all in all, a great one.

Money money money

Earlier in the year, I remember sort of complaining about how it was a major project to get people to donate money to charitable organizations. There was also probably something in there about how I don't care if people [read: friends] support my causes. But we're all reasonably young and able and lucky, and I think we should be involved.

Well, a bunch of people did indeed get involved! And, as luck would have it, 5 of those people got involved with fundraisers that take place within 2 weeks of one another! I actually ran into the problem of not being able to put as much money out for these things as I would have hoped. Don't get me wrong, I know it's okay to support certain charities and not others. But these individuals have been so great with Relay, how could I not support them?

Strides Against Breast Cancer, the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer, Alliance for Lupus Research, and The May Fund will all take pieces of my paycheck this month. While they threaten my family and friends, it's a small sacrifice.

Thanks to all of you who got involved with something. Keep it up! Here's to making a difference.

$1,868.92!!

That's how much money my team has to raise to make $10,000.00 for this year's Relay For Life.

I have made it my personal mission to see this happen. Of course, I have no idea whatsoever on how to make it happen. But here's my thing.

First off, if we raise $10,000.00 we become a flagship sponsor for next year's event. So long as we follow a couple rules (like sign-up before March 1, 2010), our name and logo will be on next year's shirt. For the entire region. (I designed our logo. =))

Secondly, what better way to publicize the library and show our community and the surrounding ones that we aren't just some place for free movies for seniors to complain about and a building where middle-school hoodlums can come to get arrested by cops after school (more on that another day). This wouldn't be our consortium. This wouldn't even be our city, per se. This is US. And we (will have) kicked ass.

This, in turn, would make it more fun to stick it to our anti-library mayor and library board. (How is a library board "anti-library", you ask? Good question! Maybe because the mayor has to appoint the board. You know, said mayor who doesn't like us.)

Plus, I don't know how much longer I can do this. Have so much responsibility with all of this. I don't want to be at my job forever, and when I leave, what happens to the team? This is our best chance. And to be the TOP fundraiser in our BEST year. There's a certain amount of pride in that. Okay, that's a little selfish...

Maybe it just boils down to validation. A desire to be part of a bigger picture, to take part in a stride for change. To fight back against a disease that has threatened my family and friends. To strike out at the illness that has stolen them.

I want to make a difference. So I'm going to.

WTF cancer?

One of my good friends was diagnosed with melanoma, a "serious" [but we're not going to worry about it because it's going to be okay] type of skin cancer. She should be "comfortably" in Stage 1 and after removal and all that everything should be fine.

I was going to say that perhaps I'm more sensitive to it all now that I'm sort of involved so heavily. But that's not it. My mom having breast cancer is pretty much "in your face." My staff partner's dad (how could you even be more involved than working for the ACS?!) passing away last week. Not to mention my grandmother's and father's small bouts with skin cancer. Or that so many of my friends and coworkers have lost people this year alone.

And now my friends.

I'm not going to worry for my friend too much, because as mentioned, it's early and it will be fine. Plus, she's a very strong person and has uber amounts of support. And sarcasm is not foreign to her! That coupled with the sense of humor... she's going to kick its ass.

But seriously, Big C. Lay the f**k off, huh?

And it was good

Pratt was awesome last night, and while I'm still recovering from my lack of sleep it was well worth it.

We got there a little late (I don't care who you are, you can't think it's fun to drive around the city) with traffic and getting slightly lost. But even so, we manage to get in about 6 solid hours of drawing.

We started with gestures, which are always a good way to warm up, even after so many years. Then we moved into the "5-10 minute" room. Out of the 18 or so different models, we probably were able to draw 10 of them or so. Lots of different poses and opportunities. Free pizza!!! Some interesting and fun music. Some of it live. It was so great. And ya know, I really wasn't all that bad. Now I just have to keep it up.

Also bumped into a few friends from college who I haven't seen in years. That was a nice surprise too.

See! Trepidation be damned. This one was more than well worth it.

Now to find naked people in the area...

Oh, yeah!

I just sent in a submission for this contest that good old Ringling was doing called the Ringling 100. I can't tell you how many times I talked myself out of it just to talk myself back into it.

Either way, I'm proud, haha.

Had lots of little flashbacks throughout this time around. And it wasn't even the piece itself. Maybe it was just the mindset? Or talking to my Beastie about the project. Thinking of all those hours in the labs. Painting all night. Falling asleep in paintings. Studios and fumes. The passion and angst and laughs and all those other feelings of accomplishment for doing some great (or bummed-out-ed-ness for doing something not so great).

Shit I miss that. [and i miss them too.]

So this is another new leaf for me I think. Smart Mike has given me unflinching encouragement and is pushing me to be that "art kid" that I keep talking about who's sorta strange but not too socially awkward. (Haha, well I'm already socially awkward.)

I have a freelance gig lined up (with no deadline! Arrgh!) and a wedding chock-full of save the dates and invites (I swear I didn't forget) and a painting unfinished on my easel....

And there's a smile on my face that feels good.

Pictures

I came across this on PostSecret yesterday. I think I appreciate the sentiment. After all, I have 1200+ pictures I took in college that I haven't been able to bring myself to go through.

Part of it used to be the simple fact of getting bummed out to see how awesome things used to be. Haha. But I think this has something to do with it too.

Oh well I guess.

Poop.

I don't know what's more humorous. The fact that someone took the time to make this or the fact that I know so many people who would probably go see it.

Another cancer post...

Last week my ACS staff partner told me her father was diagnosed with cancer. I find this to be perhaps a little bitterly ironic, that someone who devotes herself to fighting cancer through her job now has to deal with it on that level.

What makes it tougher is that her parents just moved back to the Philippines for their retirement. Haven't been there even a year. Their family was worried he wouldn't receive proper care over there, or worse that they'd be taken advantage of because they're American (and hence must be made of money). When I talked to her last week, she told me they were going to make plans to have her parents come back to the states.

Then I got a phone call from her today. The cancer, which started in his lungs (he's never smoked, by the way) spread throughout his abdomen, effected his liver and other organs and will eventually reach his brain. There isn't really anything they can do, and it was suggested that the family see him while there was still time. She had to plan a trip to the Philippines with her 5 year old daughter in two (2!) days and is leaving tomorrow night.

I was pretty flabbergasted. I mean, what do you say to that? How do you even react to that? I felt awful, and in light of what's been going on--my earlier posts, not to mention GB's coworkers' (yes plural) family members dying of cancer or my co-worker's hygienist being diagnosed and passing away from a brain tumor in the 6 months between visits--I feel like I'm running in circles with all of this. I can't imagine what she and her family must be going through. It was tough enough for my family. Part of her's is on the other side of the WORLD. That's messed up. And being so involved with the ACS, I'm sure she knows more about what's going on than the average person would. I can't imagine and it sucks.

There was an article in Reader's Digest this month that I can't bring myself to read at the moment. (I actually read the whole rest of the mag practically cover to cover for the first time ever... It's a pretty sweet deal! More on that another time.) All I saw was "If you think of all the different varieties of cancer as making up an iceberg, cancers that cause symptoms represent only the part of the berg above the waterline." Wow.

So I know I'm pretty much fully vested in Relay. I'm also trying to keep myself calm with the prospect of my co-chair and I pretty much doing this whole thing on our own for the time being. (Being Online Chairperson in addition to Chairperson and a Team Captain... What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't anyone else step up to the plate??) I wonder if I'm building good karma to make up for the shitty person I am.

I'm going to need a very long vacation...

And cancer? You can fucking suck it.

"Why do people have to die?"

The other night Katie told me that one of the guys we went to school with passed away. From leukemia. It gave me pause then, it gave me greater pause last night when I looked up the obituary, and it made me sad as hell tonight when I found the blog that his fiancee kept during the end of his life.

I didn't read all of the posts. I don't think I can bring myself to do that right now. I don't think we were ever friends and it's beyond me if we ever actually talked to each other in class. But it still hits close to home.

The post his fiancee wrote on the day he died made me more emotional than I'd like to admit. I cannot imagine the turmoil that must have been for her, watching him die. Nor can I fathom what that must have been like for him, (hopefully) knowing his loved ones were there and that the love of his life watched him fade away.

Death is a curious thing. In the end it doesn't matter if he was just "this kid in my class" or my best friend. What matters that cancer robbed him of his love and his life and his future.

I've been so heavily involved in Relay for the past few years. While I've had friends and coworkers die from cancer, it wasn't until last year with my mom's illness that I really saw what this fight meant. Now, with his death I'm reminded again. This is why I take on this fight. This is why I get myself so involved. Relay is my way of fighting back and shouting to whoever or whatever is listening, that: "NO. We won't just accept this. I won't just accept this."

There's this episode of Six Feet Under where this woman is completely devastated by the loss of her aunt. When Nate is finally able to calm her down, she asks the question that I'm sure everyone who's lost someone asks: "Why do people have to die?" And Nate responds, "To make life important."

There's truth in that. Thank you for reminding me.

Cancer and a year

It's been over a year since my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. And about a year ago right now she was in the midst of her chemo sessions. I will never forget those 12 weeks for how nerve-wracking they were. It's hard to look back on it even now actually.

March 5, 2008 was a Wednesday. That was also the day my mom's hair fell out. She had mentioned for a few days how there were strands here and there, and in an attempt to make it as long as possible without having to wear a wig she didn't wash her hair for a couple days. That night, I was trying to get some stuff ready for a gallery show, and trying to come up with ideas for a website. I remember my mom saying she was going to take a shower, and a little while later I noticed my aunt and sister running around back and forth, talking with my mom in the bathroom.

I didn't think too much of it at first because I was wrapped in my own shit. But after a little bit, I headed upstairs to see what was going on. The three of them were standing in the bathroom looking in the mirror. My mom was wearing a wig, which wasn't an uncommon sight at that point. She had been trying some of them on, wearing them a little to try and get used to the idea.

After poking my head in the door, my aunt told my mom to take the wig off so we could all get used to "it" and so it wouldn't be shocking. I cannot describe the feeling the slammed into my gut when she pulled the wig off.

There stood my mother. The strongest member of our family. The one who's always the peacemaker. The one who bends over backwards for all of us and often times does. Her scalp was mostly white except for where strands of hair still stood together in clumps.

I can't tell you what my reaction was on the outside. I tried hard to be stoic though inside I felt anything but. I think we tried to joke about it, and she didn't falter one bit. She didn't let us see her cry. In fact, while she didn't necessarily smile, she reminded more of a shy little girl on the first day of school than someone who was sick. In the weeks to come, I'd revisit that image in my mind no matter how hard I tried to avoid it. I'd even come to miss it when I'd find her falling asleep in bed exhausted, pale skin tight on her head, wisps of hair in haphazard places. It scared the shit out of me and it still does.

After my mom's hair fell out, after she pulled that wig off, after we told her it was okay and she had "a cute little head," I did one of the toughest things I've ever had to do. I shaved my mom's head. And while I shaved and we evened out what was left of her hair, she took everything in stride. Like she always does.

A year later my mom is cancer free.

I don't really know why I felt the need to write this post. I guess it's been on my mind a bit, and I've found it harder to talk about now than I did then. I'm so thankful that things turned out okay. I'm amazed at the strength my family as a whole exhibited. I'm indebted to the friends who allowed me to vent the anger and frustration and sadness and fear and who whisked me away for a bit when things were just a bit too overwhelming.

And I'm pretty convinced that my mom can handle anything. (She rocks.)

Workin' world

You should check this out.

Maybe even add to it! It's great therapy.

See, video games are good for you.

I think I want to work for The Onion.

(Greg, this is in our defense to the eye rollings we received the other night at dinner. You know who you are, eye-roller lady.)

Creatively speaking

I have scads of friends who just ooze talent. Whether it's visually artistic, intriguingly audible, culinarily mouthwatering or soul-searchingly thoughtful, I can't think of one person who doesn't have something awesome going on. It's pretty sweet.

I currently have two friends who are hard at work on music projects. Chad, who recently solidified a band and has written some of the coolest songs I've ever heard, is going to be opening for a U2 cover band in the Boston area. He's been in other bands, played in festivals and coffee shops and even tapped through the Zelda theme for me once on his keyboard. He wrote one of my favorite songs of all time, Rain, which you can get on iTunes here. I don't know if I ever told him this, but I listen to that song when I'm bummed out (it's perfect) or when I'm happy (because it's actually sorta perfect for that too) and it's easily made half my playlists on iTunes. When I listen to it, I get the same kind of feeling as when I listen to Let's Dance To Joy Division by The Wombats. Where things are just messed up and you're screwed and there doesn't seem to be anything left to do. But it doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter.

And it reminds me of one of my favorite memories from school: Running around and playing in the pouring rain. If you've never done that, you really need to put it on your list of things. (Check out Chad's blog.)

The other vocalist in the song, my friend Dylan, is currently in the process of producing his first album. He's been pretty good at keeping an online production journal which I also recommend checking out. His latest entry was pretty deep! This should also be on your list of things to get. I'm a pretty big fan of acoustic music, and Bicycle On The Ice is my acoustic Van Gogh in this album. (I'm going to be thrown off when I listen to it and don't hear the infamous "doorslam" IM sound that I've grown accustomed to on the demo version.) I know how much it means to this kid to actually be DOING this, and as with Chad, I couldn't be prouder of him for doing it.

I'm excited for them. And while I'm sad I'm not a part of their process, I wanted to give 'm a plug. In case you happened to stumble upon this blog, do yourself a favor and check them out. You won't be disappointed.