Tomorrow.

Tomorrow my mom finds out if the cancer came back. Or if it spread somewhere else.

But I guess I should backpedal a little bit. A couple weeks ago, she had a check-up and they found that her tumor count (tumor markers?) was too high. While this in and of itself does not mean anything horrible, it isn't a terribly good sign. In fact, it could all be messed up because she recently got over a non-pig related flu. However, it was strongly recommended that she follow up with a PET scan and a bone scan and all that. One was last Friday, the other this past Monday.

[Let me segue for just a moment about insurance companies. They fucking suck. The vindictive part of me hopes that those incompetent assholes get screwed when they need something important. The "I'm trying to be a better person" part of me pities them for being so useless, because that's all that part is capable of doing at the moment.]

Now, I haven't talked about this to anyone. I have found it's been on the tip of my tongue and I just haven't been able to vocalize the words. I think part of the situation has been the uncertainty of it all. Why say anything if it's all going to turn out okay?

But I dunno. I'm sort of scared. That Thanksgiving when she found the lump, I knew it was cancer. You know when you get that feeling--when you are just certain of something? In the olden days, when you just knew you bombed that test [>ahem< style="font-style: italic;">knew you'd wind something [rock on $25 Ski Barn gift card]. Sometimes you just know, and it's going to be good. Sometimes you just know and it's going to be bad.

I have been doing pretty good trying to avoid thinking about it. Yet, every so often I get this sinking feeling, and all that heartache and worry flashes back. And then sometimes I get that almost embarrassed feeling for even thinking it, because I know it will be okay.

And I just totally wrote about how I am sort of getting bummed out [I'm going to refrain from using the "D" word]. Concern and questioning over family and friendships and love. It really went on and on. But don't worry, I deleted it.

Here's to tomorrow.