Today sucked. I take back everything I ever jested about a "lucrative civil service job." I feel like I've been played for the past... 13 years. That's a double digit number, you know. Thirteen.
So work is awful. And it's fun when the higher ups look you in the eye and say, "We know morale is low." Hahah. Ya think?! You wanna maybe jump in there and like, I dunno, do something about it?
But whatever. A job's a job, right? And as per my earlier posts, it doesn't define who I am. Of course, the kick-in-the-gut feeling that I've wasted the past 6-12 years of my life is a little difficult to get over. More fun to get over is the dam that burst open upon today's wonderful news.
Among these gems:
I am wasting my life.
I don't know what to do with myself.
Why am I so unable to make some sort of change?
Why can't I find a job?
I'm not as creative or talented as I need to be to get this shit done.
I still live at home!
I'VE WASTED 6 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE! [I am aware the math doesn't add up, just trust me on this one though.]
I'm a joke.
[I did notice all the "I"s packed in there by the way. How self-deprecating of me.]
At this point, the swirling thoughts and headache are clashing with disgust and depression and anger and all I want to do is... what? Run away? Get in my car and drive? Head to the nearest bar? I consider calling someone to vent, and then I suddenly can't.
I realize I probably should go home, since now I'm 2 hours late, and I think about how it's going to suck to walk into a house full of people and pretend nothing is wrong. But I don't really have any other options. And homecoming sucked more than I anticipated.
Last week something snapped. This week it was crushed. I feel defeated.