To flu shot, or not to flu shot...

That is the question.

I have 3 hours to decide if I should get a flu shot (for free from the city). I've never had one before, and don't really want to get one.

But between my mom and my sister, I wonder if I should. They've both gotten one, so I guess mine would just be added protection...

Hmmm...

And soon, another tomorrow...

It's taken me over a week to write this post. Every time I sit and write, my thoughts jumble and I can't eloquently express what has been occupying my mind. So now I'm just going to spew some words onto this keyboard and we'll see what happens.

Remember the "Tomorrow" post? And "Today"? Well now there's this one.

On Thursday, my mom goes in for tests. Of course, this is all assuming that insurance doesn't decide to pull it's temper-tantrum power trip and prevent her from going. [Of course, today when they called to tell her there might be some sort of problem, she was at chemo. And do insurance people work late hours? Nah. Why would they? Libraries need to be open late for the people, because you know, it's free. Insurance, which is pretty much like anal rape and extortion for top dollar, doesn't need to go that extra mile.]

Anyway... there are these 2 tests that come out of this one procedure. If all goes the way it should, results should be in on Tuesday, just in time for next week's chemo.

Here we are again. At that spot in time, where there is nothing to really do but wait. Did it go away? Did it shrink? Did it spread? Is the making-you-sick-so-you-can-get-better chemo working?

Lots of people tell me not to worry, that it will be fine. And honestly, what should I expect anyone to say? Sometimes I want to ask how they will know. Sometimes I agree. Sometimes it's all I can do to ask them not to tell me something they can't guarantee. I guess it depends on the mood.

Once we got over the initial impact earlier this year, the process of "Okay, now what do we have to do to get this taken care of" kicked back in. Business as usual. But a couple weeks ago, the game changed. A comment was made implying the question of "tomorrow" or the possibility of a negative outcome to all of this. While I didn't hear the comment first-hand, it was enough to make me sort of sick. Enough to rattle that thought of "Let's get this done" and to introduce "Oh... How much time?"

I suppose part of it is a crisis of faith. Or what some people tell me is pessimism, although I'm more convinced it's realism. Now I'm not saying that I'm expecting the worst. But I'm not stupid, nor do I consider myself naive in this. I know that for every happy ending, there is a sad one. For all the smiles, there are opposite tears. Our hopes and fears and wants... This selfish notion that things need to be "fair" or at the very least acceptable. Sometimes we can only do so much. Be it God or fate or mystical monkeys, I don't really care at this moment.

Apparently, in order to process this moment, I've decided to step away from it. Like I said, I'm not expecting the worst, and while I hope for the best I won't allow myself to walk blindly into that territory. I've thought about this a lot. I won't go so far as to say I have meditated on it, because I've been awful at sticking to that. But I have tried to keep an open mind--tried to mentally prepare myself for whatever is tossed at me.

***
Well, that wasn't too terribly awful, huh? Now my task: Put it aside. Because here we are with nothing to do but wait. There is nothing to be done but that which is already being done. Think I can manage that one?

Image banking

Through the years, I have acquired hundreds of magazine clippings of people, animals, landscapes, architecture, etc to use as reference for various projects or illustrations. Since you never really know what the future holds, I would take anything that looked interesting, beautiful, disturbing, or just plain cool. Action shots, portraits, calm, chaotic. Literally, anything that caught my eye regardless of subject matter.

In the past month, I was approached about 2 possible freelance opportunities. One involves an orchard/bar/winery setting, another for a YA summer reading program involving water/waves. [They aren't really guaranteed jobs... Need to do some sketches and pass them along to see if we want to proceed. Which, of course, screams of "NO NO NO!! That's not the way to do it!!! But I know both clients, and I can't really say "No" without the guilt. And if anything, it will give me something to work on, right?]

Apparently, with all the imagery that I've taken the time to collect, I don't really have anything that encompasses either of these topics. I find it sort of funny and a bit frustrating. It's not that I don't have other resources available (um, library... internet... haha). While I can't really direct friends in reference shots anymore, I should be able to manage.

Side note: I don't think I fully appreciated the good humor and awesomeness of all my art school friends who would pretty much do anything as far as poses were concerned. To say that it is helpful to have people do whatever you want just so you have good reference material for a project is an understatement.

Burrrr-gerrrrr

Dudes.

So, seeing as how I work in a library, and countless books of all shapes, sizes and genres pass through my fingers, I am exposed to lots of awesome, cool, disturbing, exciting, novel stuff. I'm like a literary whore.

Anyway, I currently sit here with Bobby Flay's Burgers, Fries and Shakes and am in awe. I am barely halfway through the burgers and can barely flip another page.

I love burgers just as much as the next guy. One of the best things about summer is the grill, and while fish and veggies and steaks and kabobs [and I'm going to stop there, lest I bore you with all the things I have eaten from off a grill this summer], a juicy cheeseburger is like home. Familiar, happy, satisfying. I'm hungry just thinking about it.

Cookbooks and things are always fun, but ONLY if they have pictures. After all, how can you tell you want to try dates stuffed with chorizo and goat cheese if you can't tell what it's going to look like? Bobby Flay doesn't use pictures of these burgers everywhere, but holy crap. These burgers are scandalous. Cheyenne Burger... Greek Burger... Sante Fe Burger... I'm not even saying these are so extraordinary or exotic. They just LOOK so amazing. Cheese oozing and dripping over fat burger, dribbling down crusty rolls, pooling on the plate.

Love it.

I don't think I can finish going through it though. It makes me hungry(er) and sort of sad that I wasn't more adventurous with this year's burgers. Perhaps I should just buy this book [we'll ignore the fact I've had this one for too long] and start experimenting.

Awesome!

I do believe some creative license was used in these signs. I might even go so far as to say some could be works of art. Check it: 25 Funny Lost and Found Signs

Relay 2010

The website for Relay For Life 2010 is already up, which is sort of exciting. It looks a bit cooler than last year's site [although we have the site through the same company, so I doubt the frustrations will have vanished].

I'm trying to use some restraint and NOT sign up yet. Since we're not even really close to the end of 2009, I foresee it being a bit difficult to raise money online. We'll see though. Perhaps a Halloween bake sale would kick off some fundraising. Hmmm...

$10,000.00 is pretty far away...

Is that... a sense of accomplishment?

Ha, so dramatic! But, indeed! Dare I say it...? Okay, I'll say it.

I got my website up! Okay, well I didn't necessarily get it up. My favorite Vermonter actually did that. But after all this time, I actually, finally have a website. No bells and whistles, but it looks pretty cool and gets the job done. Sick. =)

And, while my Labor Day weekend was fairly low-key (minus some BBQ shenanigans on Saturday), I dove back into painting and almost finished a new piece. Not an original, per se. Inspired from an magazine picture in my image bank. But I think it's pretty sweet.

Haha, and look at that! When it's finished, I'll be able to put it on my WEBSITE. Rock on. I'll allow the smile.

[Take that, bout of sort-of-depression!]