That hat...

Mom started wearing the wig today. I think because she went to take care of some stuff at work, and it's easier to get people used to a new 'do after a couple weeks off rather than come in all of a sudden with different hair one day [Okay, so it might work if you're faux-hawkin it and you couldn't really care what people think of your hair, but we aren't all blessed with the ability to pull it off].

Needless to say, I hate the wig. I know it's important, and I understand it's role in this whole process to every person who goes through something like this. The hair loss is the thing that slams this into perspective for me. Why is that? Can it really be just because it makes it a more visible aspect of the illness? Do I write the chemo off as just a bunch of doctors' visits? Pretend the inconvenience of numbness and occasional appetite loss is just a bug now and then?

She doesn't wear the wig around the house, which I'm grateful for. If you can't walk around bald in front of your family [be they blood related family or not], then you have a problem. But there's this blue hat. Her head gets cold, so she wears the hat. And while she still has hair [I buzzed it short about a week ago in prep], I haven't seen her without that hat since Friday. I know this means it's falling out faster and getting thinner.

I'm disappointed in myself because I don't feel like I'm handling it all that well. I'm disappointed that I can shrug off the seriousness of all of this crap until we get to the hair loss. It's just hair. Buddhists shave their heads to keep humble [it's difficult to worry about your hairstyle and how it affects your appearance and societal status when you don't have any]. I know it's just hair and it'll grow back. Who cares?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not falling apart over it or anything. But all day long when someone asked me how it was going, or what's new, all I could think of to say was "My mom had to wear the wig today." Of course I didn't actually say it. But if you were to ask me today, "What's up dude?" that would have been my honest answer.

I fucking hate you cancer.