The Captain.

Last month's test results were a mixed bag... No, the cancer didn't spread (awesome!). But, the chemo isn't working and it's still there (wtf?).

On to another chemo... Another drug... Another slew of side effects. 5 hour chemo sessions. Self-administered injections.

It's frustrating.

So what do we do? "Face forward, move slow, forge ahead."

Relay For Life barreling across the squares on the calendar, refusing to slow down. It's become this pretty massive thing this year, which is amazing. There are 10 days until our event, and we've already surpassed our goal of $57,000.00 (I only have $373 left to reach my own goal!!). At almost $60,000.00 raised to date, with one person shy of 300 registered, this event has become bigger than the previous 5 in this city. This is going to be the biggest year we've had. It's sort of scary and kind of thrilling.

I don't know how I fell into this role of leadership. It doesn't seem right. It doesn't quite seem like I know what I'm doing. But no one seems to notice... Am I just pretending? Or am I really being a leader?

"Courageous, just like the captain."

The past few days I've been overwhelmed with a few things... (Haha, okay, sort of like "I'm frozen, tied up, cast in lead.") I want to run away! But I can't.

I can, however, put all of this on hold for a few days to totally immerse myself in a most wonderful wedding weekend for two people I could not be more happy for. A couple days of fun to supercharge the batteries... (And give a best man speech!)

"It's simple, so says the captain."

Monday it'll all be there to great me again. But you know what? I'm going to make this start working for me. I'm tired of the frustration. The uncertainty. I might not be able to do anything more for my mom than what I'm already doing. I can't control the weather for this Relay event. I might have absolutely no clue what to do with my own life. My responsibilities aren't endless. "My conscience, mistrust and regret" will still be there for sure.

But it's time to be more like the captain.

"Marching forward, with no doubt in his head."

"I can say I hope it will be worth what I give up"

I wonder what's going to happen this year. What sort of ups and downs the next 365 days will hold.

Lost in thought. But not in a wholly bad way...

Did you hear the one about the cloned baby?

I dunno, this seems like it could be a bad idea. I understand the pain of losing someone and can't imagine how awful it must be to lose a child. But does cloning a lost child as a replacement seem like a good idea to anyone else? As it is, sometimes abortion seems to be used as a form of birth control. Are some [wealthy] people going to consider cloning as a type of "reset" button.

"Gee, honey, Junior is acting strange. Perhaps we should hit him with the shovel, scrape the inside of his cheek and start over."

Hahaha, okay, that probably wouldn't happen. But there's a whole grieving and acceptance process that I feel would be stymied by this. If you are that hung up about the loss of your child, cloning said child will not help you let go. Not to mention the fact that said clone wouldn't actually BE your lost child. Think of the years of therapy Cloney would need...

Of course, the whole article isn't about this one kid. But it addresses the inevitability of the cloned human. Sort of interesting, exciting and scary.

You can check out the article here:
Cady, the little girl killed in 2002 car crash who could 'live' again as a clone

See, video games are good for you.

I think I want to work for The Onion.

(Greg, this is in our defense to the eye rollings we received the other night at dinner. You know who you are, eye-roller lady.)

I failed...?

Tomorrow, I'm supposed to have this meeting... To discuss my job and my future. Needless to say I'm not really looking forward to it. More because I can't pin down my feelings rather than actually being concerned about having a talk with the boss.

I've been considering going for an MLIS degree for a little while. The thought of going back to school is a little daunting. But I'm stuck! And lost. I don't know what to do.

So I wanted to be an artist, right? In all actuality I am. Whether I even remember it all the time or not. I'm a Professional Illustrator. Check that! Why don't I have an art job? Good question. I'm actually going to surprise myself and admit it's probably not because I suck. It's probably more to do with the fact that I'm stubborn. (No, I will NOT be a graphic designer.) I'm a tough self-critic. ("I'm just not good enough.") Fear? Yeah. Got some of that too. I stopped myself from jumping at certain things. Of course, I over-extended and stepped in some shit too.

Does that mean I failed? If I'm not an "artist" in my job, does that mean I failed? Does the occasional freelance not count? Or playing around with a painting? Or a portrait? Or any other piece of art I do here and there. Does it make me less creative? Can I be happy doing something else as a job? By doing something else, does that mean I gave up?

Or is it just another avenue? Something else to do while I'm on my way to where I need to be. I can still try to write and illustrate that book, regardless of what my job is. I can still draw and paint and play. Be in a gallery or two here and there. I'm not my job. I never have been. It's just been something to do because it's what we're supposed to do.

I just can't figure out who I'm trying to convince. Me or you. Did I fail? If I did, does it matter?

I'm afraid I'm dwelling too much on the wrong questions and missing the point.

It's funny I actually even posted this. I mentioned it a couple times to a few friends. At least the "what should I do with myself" part. I think I only mentioned the "failure" thing to one or two people, but it didn't get much response. Not that I know what to expect. Haha. Like it's some big secret. "I FAILED!!" Or "I GAVE UP!!" Hahaha, but I don't even know if I did!

I don't know what I'm doing...