The Captain.

Last month's test results were a mixed bag... No, the cancer didn't spread (awesome!). But, the chemo isn't working and it's still there (wtf?).

On to another chemo... Another drug... Another slew of side effects. 5 hour chemo sessions. Self-administered injections.

It's frustrating.

So what do we do? "Face forward, move slow, forge ahead."

Relay For Life barreling across the squares on the calendar, refusing to slow down. It's become this pretty massive thing this year, which is amazing. There are 10 days until our event, and we've already surpassed our goal of $57,000.00 (I only have $373 left to reach my own goal!!). At almost $60,000.00 raised to date, with one person shy of 300 registered, this event has become bigger than the previous 5 in this city. This is going to be the biggest year we've had. It's sort of scary and kind of thrilling.

I don't know how I fell into this role of leadership. It doesn't seem right. It doesn't quite seem like I know what I'm doing. But no one seems to notice... Am I just pretending? Or am I really being a leader?

"Courageous, just like the captain."

The past few days I've been overwhelmed with a few things... (Haha, okay, sort of like "I'm frozen, tied up, cast in lead.") I want to run away! But I can't.

I can, however, put all of this on hold for a few days to totally immerse myself in a most wonderful wedding weekend for two people I could not be more happy for. A couple days of fun to supercharge the batteries... (And give a best man speech!)

"It's simple, so says the captain."

Monday it'll all be there to great me again. But you know what? I'm going to make this start working for me. I'm tired of the frustration. The uncertainty. I might not be able to do anything more for my mom than what I'm already doing. I can't control the weather for this Relay event. I might have absolutely no clue what to do with my own life. My responsibilities aren't endless. "My conscience, mistrust and regret" will still be there for sure.

But it's time to be more like the captain.

"Marching forward, with no doubt in his head."

HUB-BUB

As I mentioned before, I kicked my butt and dove back into painting. Some of my ventures have been pretty cool and some not so much. I've been staying up pretty late and dragging myself out of bed to go to work in the morning. On the one hand it's been invigorating while on the other I haven't had nights like these in a long time.

Fun. =)

So my renewed efforts are actually two-fold. I'm an artist. Making art makes me happy. It's something I need to do. You see the logical conclusion (and the inevitable question: Well then, what the "f" has been your problem?").

The second reason is a bit more specific. There is this amazing job opportunity for an Artist-in-Residence position that I want. I actually really want it. There, I said that too. I want this job.

While going through pieces to include in the portfolio to send, I was talking to good friend who encouraged me to do some more paintings. She was of the opinion to forget about the marketability of the work, and just do it: Make something.

And it's been fun. And now I have 2 (maybe 3?) new pieces that I can include in this portfolio that I'll be sending out this week. It's exciting, and almost feels like applying to art school all over again.

I'm thrilled at the thought of working in a gallery for 11 months. To work with the community in a creative aspect. To create and play with creative people. It's like a dream!

Now, I don't know what kind of talent I'm up against. There are scads of amazing artists out there. I've been trying to keep that in perspective. I want to take this wave to its highest crest and see how long I can ride it. If things don't work out with this one for me, I hope that it sets me on a new path.

Obama

I watched pieces of Obama's address after work tonight. I find it slightly off-putting how many standing ovations the guy got. I mean, yeah, I think he's awesome. And the fact that he has totally energized a huge portion of the population, not to mention the world, is no small feat. He has promised so much and on one hand, it's refreshing to hear someone say, "Enough is enough, let's get our shit together," after... Well... You know.

But.

It's one thing to promise something and another thing to pull through. I know he can't do it alone and that there has to be support from other areas of government and such. But he's still a new relationship. We're still smitten! It's still fresh and exciting and the promise of continued positive change and happiness down the road is almost palpable. But will he sneak a kiss with someone else behind our backs? Will he betray our trust?

Here's to our hope and our future. Here's to the president that swept so many of us off our feet. May he really be the guy we're looking for.