Tomorrow, I'm supposed to have this meeting... To discuss my job and my future. Needless to say I'm not really looking forward to it. More because I can't pin down my feelings rather than actually being concerned about having a talk with the boss.
I've been considering going for an MLIS degree for a little while. The thought of going back to school is a little daunting. But I'm stuck! And lost. I don't know what to do.
So I wanted to be an artist, right? In all actuality I am. Whether I even remember it all the time or not. I'm a Professional Illustrator. Check that! Why don't I have an art job? Good question. I'm actually going to surprise myself and admit it's probably not because I suck. It's probably more to do with the fact that I'm stubborn. (No, I will NOT be a graphic designer.) I'm a tough self-critic. ("I'm just not good enough.") Fear? Yeah. Got some of that too. I stopped myself from jumping at certain things. Of course, I over-extended and stepped in some shit too.
Does that mean I failed? If I'm not an "artist" in my job, does that mean I failed? Does the occasional freelance not count? Or playing around with a painting? Or a portrait? Or any other piece of art I do here and there. Does it make me less creative? Can I be happy doing something else as a job? By doing something else, does that mean I gave up?
Or is it just another avenue? Something else to do while I'm on my way to where I need to be. I can still try to write and illustrate that book, regardless of what my job is. I can still draw and paint and play. Be in a gallery or two here and there. I'm not my job. I never have been. It's just been something to do because it's what we're supposed to do.
I just can't figure out who I'm trying to convince. Me or you. Did I fail? If I did, does it matter?
I'm afraid I'm dwelling too much on the wrong questions and missing the point.
It's funny I actually even posted this. I mentioned it a couple times to a few friends. At least the "what should I do with myself" part. I think I only mentioned the "failure" thing to one or two people, but it didn't get much response. Not that I know what to expect. Haha. Like it's some big secret. "I FAILED!!" Or "I GAVE UP!!" Hahaha, but I don't even know if I did!
I don't know what I'm doing...
3 comments:
1) as long as you do art on the side, you're still an artist. You don't have to be starving :)
2) I think the best question is do you WANT a masters in library science, or does it seem like the best step to move up in your current job? (or do you just want a new job?)
no fail, just crossroads.
Haha. Touché.
Well, I know I don't really want to work in a public library. I would work more towards art librarianship.
This would hopefully provide a new job, some mobility and perhaps even some help in re-submerging myself in a creative atmosphere.
Art librarians can work in colleges or universities, galleries, etc.
"I'm not my job. I never have been." Exactly.. let who you are, what you do, and what you love be just that: who you are. The rest of life is just getting from one step to the other. You only fail when you give up. (P.S. Fear is okay. I think it protects us, but it also lets us know what our limitations are. It's up to use to confront those limitations and decide whether and how to move past them, through them, around them.. or not.)
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