"Didn't you used to be someone who meant something to me?"

This is a little shout-out to someone special. Someone who in fact did mean a great deal to me.

I won't tell you who it is because it doesn't really matter. I doubt she'd ever stumble upon this blog, especially since I seem to have become such poison to her.

One thing I will never understand about relationships is how difficult they can be to maintain. You'd think a species that depends so much upon making connections and finding a sense of belonging would be a little bit better at not fucking things up and making them so complicated.

I loved you and counted on you. You were there when I needed you, and you cannot say that I was ever absent when you needed me. I was there for drunken tirades, for a shoulder to cry on, for support both vocal and silent. I defended you when you let me or when you weren't there to defend yourself. I would have done anything for you and lots of times I did.

You lied to me when I asked if we were okay. You lied to me when you told me nothing was wrong. You betrayed my confidence. I knew it for a long, long time, but I didn't accept it until recently. When someone else told me.

I guess I have to thank you for that slap in the face. Gotta keep on my toes, right?

I'm sort of sad that I'll never know which of my many flaws turned you away. Apparently your flaws are more bearable than mine. Good for you! (While that sounds condescending, I promise I don't mean it that way.)

There's an angry part of me I haven't learned to control yet who looks forward to the almost inevitable day our paths will cross. He looks forward to a smile and a quip along the lines of that quote. "Hey, didn't you used to be someone who meant something to me?"

Truth is, I'll probably never say that to your face. You let me down and hurt me. But I guess I still love you. And for whatever reason, if you ever thought you needed me for anything in the future, I can't imagine why I wouldn't be there for you.

For what it's worth I'm sorry it ended the way it did. I hope if you think of me, it's about what you loved and not about what you hated.

That's what I'm trying to do.